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Sucker Punch Awards

This is another pseudo-review.

All those who didn't like Sucker Punch, please raise your hands. Okay, what were your problems with it? Too much eye candy? You could actually tell that from the poster, so it's your fault you chose to watch this over Justin Bieber's movie. What's that? Too much action? Again, you could've watched Justin Bieber. Come again? You didn't like the story? Let's clarify. Did you not like the story, or did you not get the story? Either way, Justin Bieber.

Anyway, let me just shut myself up and start with the review, where I shall be handing out awards like...

Best Action Sequence
Not pictured: Action.
Also not pictured: Germans.
The German trenches

I love World War II. Although technically, this takes place in a World War I trench, but, whatever, right? And I hate Germans, because of their racist, white supremacy bullcrap. I also hate zombies, because... they're zombies. So this sequence is perfect. It's like a Steampunk version of A Very Long Engagement.

Best Costume
"I'd like to thank Photoshop for my make-up."
Abbie Cornish

Hers is the only one with a hood. And I love hoods. Galadriel in Lord of the Rings wore a hood. And so did Jesus Christ. Hoods are cool.

Best Villain(s)
"Please donate to our Earthquake Relief Fund."
Demon Samurai

Compare these with the other villains: German zombies, orcs, dragons, and faceless cyborgs. Although I do admit that the orcs would probably come a close second. And also, the Demon Samurai bleed light. Yes, you heard right. When you cut them up, instead of blood spurts, they have light rays.

Best Fighter
"I can make mashed potatoes with a potato masher!"
Jena Malone

By the second action sequence (which just happens to be the German trench sequence), it becomes evident that Jena Malone is the best hand-to-hand combatant in the entire movie. She may have had the most practice, or the best trainer. Or she probably grew up with three brothers and no sister. I'm not really sure. And while we're on the subject, the Worst Fighter is, hands down, Vanessa Hudgens. She can't throw a punch to save her own life.

Best Hair
Not as innocent as she looks.
Jena Malone

She is the only one with short hair, so that's a factor. Also, in some scenes, her hair kind of reminded me of Dragon Ball Z─all clumped together and spiky.

Best Song
Interestingly, musicians cannot seem to remake this song without using Ringo's drum parts.
"Tomorrow Never Knows"

The version in the film was by Carla Azar and Alison Mosshart, but for the young kids out there who don't know, this was originally by The Beatles. And let me just take a moment to talk directly with director Zack Snyder. Hey Zack, did you go to film school? If you did, then you should've been taught that music should only be used for support. It should enhance the scene, not overpower it. When the music begins to compete with the story for the audience's attention, you know you're doing something wrong. Unless of course this is a two hour-long music video, which we all know this isn't.

Best Accent
Also nominated for Best Cleavage.
Carla Gugino

Carla Gugino plays a Polish doctor here. She has the most exotic accent of all, so she wins the award. But it would also be important to note that Abbie Cornish and Emily Browning also did some great accent work, because they're actually Australians.

Best Weapon
Who wouldn't love a weapon with a cute bunny face on the front?
Mech Tank

A close second would have to be Baby Doll's samurai sword, if only the Wise Man who gave it to her didn't remind me of David Carradine, making it look so much like Kill Bill.

Most Exotic
We've all met a girl who looks like Jamie Chung, at some point in our lives.
Jamie Chung

The "Full Retard Rule" in Tropic Thunder has spawned the "Full Asian Rule". In Tropic Thunder, it would be better to just go half-retard rather than full retard; with being Asian, on the other hand, it would be better to go full Asian (Jamie Chung) rather than half-Asian (Vanessa Hudgens, who is half-Filipina).

Best Makeover
Girls wearing fishnets are definitely not virgins.
Vanessa Hudgens

Whoever thought that Vanessa Hudgens would be forever the "I'm-so-innocent-I-don't-know-what-masturbation-means" type of girl from High School Musical must be having some second thoughts after seeing her in Sucker Punch. I think director Zack Snyder told the make-up artists to make her look as slutty as possible. "We don't want the audience half-expecting Zac Efron to just burst into the scene and dance," he probably said.

Best Eyelashes
You can actually count the hairs on that thing.
Emily Browning

All five of the Sucker Punchettes (I just made that name up) were actually nominated for Best Eyelashes, but it was Emily Browning's eyelashes that got the most close-ups. And also, it was the only one that got a snowflake on it.

Most Exploited
Also won for Best Cheekbones.
Emily Browning

From the very start, we are made to think that this is Baby Doll's movie, when it actually turns out to be Sweet Pea's. And Emily Browning's first lines spoken ever happen several minutes into the movie. Also, she rarely talks. And also, she sings on three songs in the film's soundtrack. And I really hope that this beautiful, talented girl got just compensation for her work.

There. That concludes our little awards show. Let me just take a few minutes to rant about the script. There were some deus ex machinas in the story, most of which seemed to come from Zack Snyder's laziness. Like killing Amber and Blondie within seconds of each other. It would've been more poetic if he stuck to a formula, like "one death per action sequence" or something. Also, the whole movie being Sweet Pea's story wasn't set up pretty well. The entire movie was totally focused on Baby Doll. That's sort of like watching Return of the Jedi and suddenly finding out that it was Chewbacca's story all along.

Now before you disagree with me, let me just remind you that aside from being a writer, I'm also a filmmaker. And I've won an award. Which makes me an award-winning filmmaker. So I think I know what the hell I'm talking about.

*some info from IMDb and Wikipedia
pics from Daemon's Movies, Desktopia, Salondelmal, Pride and Prejudice, Filmofilia, More Things, Fanpop, and IMDB

Sucker Punch. USA/Canada. 2011.

Rating: Eight point five out of ten.
Excessive use of music: Minus point five.
Abby Cornish: Plus point twenty-five.
Emily Browning: Plus point twenty-five.
Final rating: Still eight point five out of ten.

You may also want to check out the other Sucker Punch reviews from Claire and Teluete.


Claire said...

I disagree! BWAHAHA. 1. Dun sa part na it was not properly set up na story ni Sweet Pea. Ewan, I don't know if it's too much video games and too much Hollywood twists, pero alam ko na agad simula't simula pa lang nung finocus si Sweet Pea sa mental hospital thingo na siya lang ang matitirang buhay (well, akala ko mabubuhay din si Baby Blond kasi crappy story pero anyway...)2. Well eto partly disagree lang haha, i have to review what deus ex machina means actually pero nasanay lang kasi ako sa violence like sa works ni Whedon and Vampire Diaries and Sin City and Watchmen hahaha--where they just randomly kill main characters for fun. Para lang magmukhang evil lalo yung kalaban. So I think the death of the two girls just falls under archetypal look-at-him-he's-really-bad-if-you-still-don't-know-it-yet. LOL.

Anyway, natawa ako dun sa Jamie Chung. Agree! Haha. Atsaka naalala ko rin nung nanonood kami, I kept joking Zac Efron would do a cameo and Vanessa Hudgens will break into song. LOL. I agree with every award. Kahit na si Blondie ang peyborit ko, she is the weakest fighter. Haha.

Okay lang na you disagree with my rants, basta you agree with every award. Hehe. And is it just a coincidence that we both thought of Zac Efron? Hahaha. Apir!

REP101 said...

Tama ka, sobra sa Deux Ex Machina. To a point na naging mababaw ang story.

Pero kung tatanungin mo ako kung naaliw ako sa movie, ang sagot ko ay oo naman. Astig yun pelikula, may bangas. Kasama na sa kaastigang yun ang pagtugtog ng Army of Me ni Bjork (na pwedeng music to this a very long music video). I actually hoped they played Army of Me everytime she danced. Paulit-ulit lang, parang Next Episode ni Jan-jan.

@REP101: Thank you for taking time to read this. I'm sure you don't agree with the Best Song award. And also, nakakatuwa lang na may real estate agent who understands deus ex machina. Haha.

@Claire: By the way, about Sweet Pea's story not being set up very well. Did we (the audience) ever find out why Sweet Pea and her sister were in that mental asylum? Were we told that she actually had a mother to go back to earlier in the film? No. Her mother was mentioned where? That's right, towards the end. And if she had a mother who was alive and well, why did said mother allow her two daughters to be comitted to the asylum? A decent set-up doesn't need to have a detailed explanation of the back story. A simple mention would suffice. There being none, then it would be safe to assume that the whole story was Baby Doll's.

Am I right? :-D

Rocket she said something like she ran away and her sister followed her even if Sweet Pea had no problem with their parents. So I think, yes it was mentioned. Sweet Pea was the one who shouldn't really be there so that's a hint. But I thought Abbie Cornish wasn't the best actor one to carry out the role.

I think Jena Malone deserves more credit. She's the more experienced actor and just because she's not the slutty-est looking of them all, some might might just brush her off as the least eye-candy of the five. But she and Carla Gugino are my faves here.

Jamie Chung and Vanessa Hudgens didn't really do much, except fly planes (which is alright) and fight lame (major boo!) respectively. And please, Vanessa's roles might have transformed from High School Musical to Sucker Punch, but I think she had it all underneath her Disney camouflage (remember her naked photos?) But it's all out now. And it's okay, but again, she didn't really do much.

Baby Doll's acting props was best highlighted during the silent movie at the start of the film, and she fights great, too. But I kept on expecting I'd see an awesome dance choreography. I guess it would defeat the purpose of her imagination being an alternate world if we see her actually dance. But picture it: If those fight scenes are what's going on in her head every time she dances, how great would her dance routine be! Hehe.

Anyway, I agree with Claire about killing two major characters in a single scene. It kinda builds the climax and it could have dragged the movie more if another scene was created just to kill another girl.

Also, I really liked the soundtrack, but you maybe right. It may have been overused. But still, it rocked!

@Sue Denim: Ang haba ng comment mo, 'di mo pa ni-review. Hehe.

Anyway, re: Sweet Pea's story. As you pointed out, it may have been mentioned, but a mere mention does not equal a good set-up. Sweet Pea's character should be almost as fleshed out as Baby Doll's, so that when the twist comes that it's actually Sweet Pea's story, it would totally make sense, making the audience go, "Why didn't I see that coming?"

But come to think of it, even Baby Doll's character was not as fully fleshed out as I would've wanted her to be.

Anyway, according to Wikipedia, there were actually scenes of Baby Doll dancing, but they had to cut it out. But he promised it would be in the Director's Cut.

@StingLacson: Actually naisip ko rin na dapat ata gumawa na lang ako ng review nung nakita ko na ang haba ng comment k. Kaso published na e. Hehe.

Did you say Vanessa Hudgens' naked photos?!? Hmmm, let me check that out. Interesting...

And I would still like to go half-asian, sarap sirr!!!

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