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How come K-Stew is in both films?

This is a quick post about shit lit vampire series Twilight, and shit lit dystopic series The Maze Runner. Both bestsellers were turned into box office hits, and I apologize to mankind on their behalf. We should have fought this problem at its root. I think it's too late now to save ourselves from them.

Also, warning: spoilers. I'll be discussing some crucial plot points ahead. If you don't want your enjoyment of these stories spoiled, THEN DON'T FUCKING READ / WATCH THESE STORIES IN THE FIRST PLACE. You are better off reading something from Wattpad, or watching the New Breed Category of Cinemalaya, which to me are the same thing, and are much better use of one's time than watching Twilight and The Maze Runner

Anyway, disclaimer. When I talk about Twilight and The Maze Runner in this particular post, I refer not just to their source text (which is to say, the novel) nor just to the adapted text (the movies), but to the text created when the narrative exists on different media (books and movies). That concept in itself will take a lot of epistemological explaining to do, so just fucking roll with me here.

Ok, so.

The Maze Runner opens interestingly enough in media res. A boy wakes up with no memories in an elevator speeding up a shaft. The door over his head opens, and he finds himself surrounded by other boys living in what they have been calling THE GLADE.  Sounds like a good premise so far.

Unfortunately, it only goes downhill from there. As we soon find out, The Glade is a part of a ridiculously elaborate plan by the government (or what remains of it) to either a.) find a cure for an infection threatening mankind, or b.) a screening process to see who deserves the cure.

What starts out as a very intriguing premise turns out to have an unbelievable, and unconvincing explanation. It just doesn't make any sense.

a.) It doesn't make sense to spend time and resources on an elaborate process that involves sophisticated machinery and logistics to develop a cure. It's something a 12-year old psychotic spoiled kid would have thought of, had he been in charge of the world. I'm assuming adults are still in control of the world at that time, so I find it hard to believe that all the theatrics (people pretending to be dead, people scaring the test subjects with their drama, etc) are part of a scientific, logical process to determine a cure.

b.) It is an insult to the world of science to think all these playacting tactics can help determine the cure. Cures are developed through biology, and chemistry. Not through an elaborate plan that involves constructing a maze designed to hold a CODE that will help the test subjects escape.

c.) You have the technology to wipe people's memories away, and this is how you used it?

d.) All the "Gladers" / test subjects came to the Glade with their memories wiped away. Tabula rasa. Clean slate. What's their motivation to escape, then? Why would they want to escape when they can't remember a damn thing? They don't have a longing for anyone's presence (i.e. an absent family member) or the need to return to a lifestyle that they have lost (i.e. getting stranded on an island after a plane crash). They LITERALLY HAVE NO REASON. Let me state again the basic premise of this story: THEY CAME TO THE GLADE AS BLANK SLATES. This is like me telling you "Dude, we need to escape this place and go to Kagago Nation, because all the reasons we have for living are there." You will probably say: "What's Kagago nation? I don't think that exists." EXACTLY. The Gladers have no idea about life outside of the Glade, so why do they keep trying to escape? It's not like Thomas came to the Glade bringing them artifacts of their old life to remind them how living was like outside of the Glade, but nope, no, didn't happen.

At least Twilight had these things going for it:

a.) Bella Swan was a typical teenager. She was despicably obsessed with her 90-year old volatile boyfriend, and she thinks everything is a matter of death. But that's how teenagers are. OMG, have you seen one? They literally think they have no reason for living after a break-up. They literally want to kill themselves because the persons they're "in a relationship" with had other plans for themselves. They will LITERALLY throw away their potentials and opportunities because of─you guessed it─LOVE. As the single-minded driving force behind the series Twilight, it makes sense. It wouldn't make sense if Twilight is about a fully-formed adult with a fully-formed life obsessing about Edward Cullen; it would be sad and pathetic. But this is Bella Swan. She hasn't had enough life experiences to let her know better.

b.) Bella Swan's motivation was clear from the get-go: she wants to be with Edward Cullen. That's it. It's simple and neat, and you can throw LITERALLY anything at her, and she would still want to be with Edward Cullen. All of her subsequent actions after realizing that goal are in accordance with accomplishing that goal. You can throw an ancient clan of murderous vampires between her and Edward Cullen, and she will find a way go through them. Hell, you can throw her in the fucking Glade, and she'll fucking solve that Maze just to have Edward's fangs on her pussy. On the other hand: there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING convincing that's motivating the Gladers from leaving their lives behind.

When we talk of literature, Twilight is at the bottom of the cesspool. Not because it's particularly bad, but because it's ridiculously successful while being ridiculously bad. Its success makes us realize that for all of our intentions of writing good stories, the readers have a totally different idea about what to read. It scares us of even trying to write good because now we know it's bad writing that will get the readers reading. But for all of that, The Maze Runner manages to accomplish something. It manages to be an even worse crap than Twilight.

Just like the Chosen One's final book that was split into two movies, this second installment of Breaking Dawn feels shorter and rushed compared to the slower-paced Breaking Dawn - Part 1. The movie was mostly truthful to the book, so that's not a good sign since it was the worst of the four.
If red chess pieces mean nothing more to you than that, then stop reading.

I’m writing this from the point of view of someone who has read the books (it was part of my “wallow in misery” agenda at that time), has watched the previous movies, but is not a huge fan.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn─Part 1 is not bad, but there's still room for improvement. Twihards would probably adore it. Non-fans’s level of appreciation for this movie would be congruent (what?) to the amount of background they know about the story. Like the previous films, so much is implied in several scenes it’s easy for one who knows naught (again, what?) of the story to get lost.

Book cover photo for How To Not Look Pretty When You're Expecting 

As a result of the split, the movie feels a little prolonged—and the second one will probably have the same feel to it, too. Where the already-too-plotted Breaking Dawn is split for the two movies is just right. The obvious climax is clearly the childbirth—not the bed scene, as some would argue. And it’s a pretty convincing climax.

Book cover photo for Teen Wolf Drama King

Because a chunk of the first half of the final book is written in Jacob’s points of view, the convenient “Edward can read minds” helped filter and translate thoughts into dialogue. But still, there’s a lot of unnecessary silence or pauses in between. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner are, well, still Bella, Edward, and Jacob like before—part awkward, part sweet. The rest of the cast is just so-so, trying their best to play their roles with just short phrases or background music.

My attention to detail (very convincing yucky zombie makeup, too little abs exposure, too loud background music for wolf-talk, science docu-like vampire transformation, forward-flashback style imprinting, etc.) is not important.

A nice improvement from previous makeups.
They always have a change of clothes under their furs now.

Allow me, though to rave at the beautiful house for their honeymoon—love, love, love! Also, it’s a nice touch that the movie used some music from the first film. It’s the more effective nostalgic touch than having a montage of past scenes.


The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn─Part 1 gets a seven out of ten (really, what?), for I went to see it with minimal expectations considering the franchise’s track record (and, in all fairness, it was not bad at all). And for having to wait a whole year—as opposed to, I don’t know, maybe six months like what the other franchise did—for the last installment.



*photos from allmoviephotos.com and its Youtube trailer.



You may also want to check out Sting Lacson's review of Breaking Dawn─Part 1, or the other reviews for The Twilight Sagasuch as New Moon and Eclipse.

First of all, not enough nudity. If you thought Edward was going to be breaking Bella's dawn (and by "dawn" I mean "hymen"), you watched the wrong movie.

"Is it broken yet?"

Thanks to OK! Philippines, Da Couch Tomato got to see Bella's baby before the rest of the world. And we also got to interview the author of the Twilight Saga herself, none other than Stephenie Meyer. Here's what she had to say:

"Hi, I'm Stephenie Meyer. That's right, I have a lot of letter E's in my name. That's one E in every syllable. That's why I named my leading man "Edward", you know, 'cause it starts with an E. Anyway, I'm sure you've read a lot of stuff on the net about Stephen King dissing my work over J.K.Rowling's Harry Potter series. Well, I'm not really trying to copy Rowling's work. God knows I have nothing against wizards hitting puberty. My book's about girls hitting puberty while having a vampire boyfriend. Anyway, Rowling's books don't have wizards getting pregnant, or childbirth even. You can suck it, Stephen King. He's just jealous because my books have made more money than all his books combined. I'm not sure about that figure, but I think it's pretty close.

Rowling's books also don't have sex scenes by a waterfall.

"I must admit, though, that I did steal one of Ms. Rowling's ideas, and that's splitting the last book of the saga into two films. I mean, she broke Deathly Hallows into two parts, right, so I thought I'd do the same with Breaking Dawn. Good thing I caught on to this "split the book into two films" bandwagon early on. Now when Peter Jackson splits The Hobbit into two films, it'll look like he ripped off the idea from me.

"My film doesn't have a 3D release, but I think it's the studio's fault. I mean, who doesn't want to see Robert Pattinson's face in 3D, right? Or Taylor Lautner's abs in 3D, I mean, who wouldn't want that?

"What about my face?"

Well anyway, I don't expect to win an Academy Award or anything, except maybe for Best Makeup for making Kristen Stewart look convincingly like a zombie (although I'd attribute it more to anorexia than makeup).

Or maybe crystal meth.

What I do expect is to break box office records and make a ton of money, so I can buy that beautiful house in Rio where we shot the sex scenes. And I also expect to make a killing in the U.K., which is the only reason I hired Michael Sheen to play one of the Volturi. God knows British audiences are much too sophisticated to watch vampires having sex with zombies."

"If you think I'm sophisticated, then you haven't met Stephen Fry."


The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn─Part 1. USA. 2011.


Rating: Six point seven out of ten.
Not having enough nudity: Minus point one.
No Dakota Fanning: Minus point one.
Final rating: Six and a half out of ten.



*some info from IMDb
pics from YouTube and All Movie Photo



You may also want to check out Sue Denim's review of Breaking Dawn─Part 1, or the other reviews for The Twilight Sagasuch as New Moon and Eclipse.
It's dubbed as the "best" book of the series, so does it follow that it’s the best film yet? The cinemas are jam-packed, and you can't even trace the never-ending snake line to the ticket booths. Thank God for reserved tickets.

The third installment The Twilight Saga: Eclipse focuses more on the love triangle between Jacob (Taylor Lautner), Bella (Kristen Stewart), and Edward (Robert Pattinson) or the wolf-human-vampire relations. It's also about a choice to live and be human or die but remain frozen "alive" (if you could call it that) forever. Add to that a vengeful redhead vampire with her army of newborns set to kill Bella to avenge her fallen mate.

Okay, I read all four books in a breeze, and to say that Eclipse is the best is a good call yet still contested. I really don’t want to compare books with film adaptations because they are different mediums with different formulas for success, but the book felt more... heartfelt, filled with more emotion and tension. I think maybe the three leads are lacking in something that I can’t quite put my finger on. Or maybe the franchise is so dependent on the books that they make the films as if it’s the audience’s responsibility to read the books first to fully enjoy the movie experience. It’s a good film only to a point where you get the story and some more. But you need the book to really understand the characters' subtexts and body language.

What may get the guys to give in and watch (if they haven’t jumped the Twilight bandwagon already) is the action. Action sequences are a one-up from the book. They were well executed and may keep you on the edge of your seat, but it will also leave you wanting that the vampires and werewolves show off their superhuman abilities more. A little room for laughter is always welcome with the three leads’ love-hate exchanges and the werewolf-vampire banters. But the most enjoyable performance for me is the scenes with Bella and her dad Charlie (Billy Burke). It makes the film more human, something like an escape if you feel saturated by the supernatural.

A few points though: One... werewolf boys look really yummy-good shirtless, but it was nice to see them with shirts on. Two... why the hell did they change Emmett and Esme's hair color to black? They look so different it's like they're completely new characters! Major boo. Three... I like the old Victoria actor better. She had natural curly red hair and a more "maldita" overall feel. No offense to Bryce Dallas Howard. Four... I love Jessica's graduation speech. Five... it's so refreshing to see a not-stiff Jasper. And lastly... special mention to Dakota Fanning for being the true voice of the antagonist, so much more dreadful than the newborn army.

After all that is said and done, if you're sort of a Twi-hard, a fan, follower, fanatic or whatever, you'll be more than satisfied. If you're not and you think this movie can usher you to becoming one of them, you might be disappointed. Or you can just soak in the romance, the action, and the laughs and enjoy.


The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
gets six out of ten, for, at least for me, a way better movie than its predecessor. It gets a zero-point-five more just for being the silly phenomenon that it is. Really.


*photo from allmoviephoto.com



You may also want to check out the other reviews for The Twilight Saga, such as New Moon and Breaking Dawn─Part 1.

Okay, I'll just do this in (silver) bullets. (That's a pun--you know, werewolves.)

  • I've never watched Twilight the movie, but I have read Twilight the book. And I think to appreciate the movie more, I should've seen Twilight the movie first.
  • I loved the action sequences. I mean, they're in a semi-podunk town called Forks, where the only action they get is cliff diving. And maybe random rides with bearded bikers. So of course, a vampire-werewolf face-off is always welcome.
  • I think that the werewolves' ability to keep warm is a lame-o excuse to keep showing their bodies and their six-packs. "It's a wolf thing." I mean, seriously, come on. I understand them having tattoos. But them wearing identical shorts and shoes? And no shirts? The only ones who enjoyed this were the young girls in the movie theater. Because I certainly didn't.
  • Kristen Stewart is a traitor. A traitor is someone who doesn't catch your attention at first, but little by little, you realize that she is actually beautiful. The realization slowly creeps up on you, and hits you when you least expect it. My realization hit me around the twenty minute mark. I hate traitors.
  • I loved Ashley Greene. She played Alice Cullen. It must be her hair. But I googled her, and realized she doesn't look as pretty in other hairstyles as she did in her Alice Cullen hair.Which was actually a wig.
  • I ♥ Dakota Fanning. All those who thought Dakota Fanning was an alien when she was a kid, raise their hand. I admit, I found her creepy when she was young. Simply because she was a really terrific actor at that young and tender age. But now, after seeing New Moon, I have concluded that she is not an alien, and that she is all grown up now.

And of course, there will be no ravings about that guy who played Jacob. Nor will there be any ravings about Robert Pattinson, the guy who played Edward Cullen. Because I. Am. Edward. Cullen.


*some info from IMDb
pic from news.bbc.co.uk


The Twilight Saga: New Moon. USA. 2009.


Rating: Seven out of ten.
Kristen Stewart: Eight out of ten.
Dakota Fanning: Nine out of ten.




You may also want to check out the other reviews for The Twilight Saga, such as Eclipse and Breaking Dawn─Part 1.
There are two reasons for this review. First, because the captain asked for it.

Before we begin: do not judge this book as a piece of high literature, because that is not what the author intended. Stephenie Meyer has no pretensions like that at all.

The second reason for this review is that I wanted to know what all the fuss is about Twilight. What's with this book and how come it's got all the youngsters going ga-ga over it? And how come I've never heard of Twilight before the movie? And after reading the book, I found out the answer to that question: I've never heard of it because I'm too old.

Okay, age is no excuse not to be updated with pop culture, and like it or not, Twilight has become part of the popular culture of this decade. So everyone who thought the book sucked can stop whining, as this book was not written for you. This was written for a specific target audience, namely those who hit puberty at the turn of the millennium.

Basically, Twilight is a teeny-bopper romance (I'm just inventing genres here), kind of like the Sweet Valley novels, with a slight twist. You still have all the mushy stuff, like crushes and first kisses and high school dances, and the twist is all the good-looking guys are out to suck your blood. For those who didn't get it, all the hunks are vampires.

For those familiar with vampires, it would be best to stop comparing the Twilight vampires with those of Anne Rice's chronicles, as they are totally different. Stephenie Meyer created a different type of vampire; Edward Cullen is no monster like Lestat. If anything, Meyer's vampire seems to be a troubled teen cursed with immortality. That's it. Not much killing and slaughter---in fact, I don't think the author ever showed Edward Cullen taking a life in the book. Just mentioned. Never showed.

Twilight is actually an easy read, one that you could breeze through in a week or less. If you're not into adolescent romance, expect to throw up at some very cheesy lines; if you're a hopeless romantic, expect to be starting on the next book (yes, there is a second one) as soon as you get to the last page.


Rating: Seven out of ten.
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