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Philippines v. Mongolia. Asian Football Confederation Challenge Cup Pre-Qualifying Play-Off, Second Leg

Because this is a review of a football match, I'm going to let a friend of mine guest-blog. He's half-English, therefore knows a bloody lot more about football than I do. And also, he's an Azkal himself, and is the fourth reserve goalkeeper. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Garry Potter, Azkals.

Freezin' Our Balls Off: Post-Game Analysis of the Philippines v. Mongolia Series
by Garry Potter, Azkals

Oy. I'm Garry Potter, and I play goalkeeper for the Azkals. I've been asked to share me thoughts on yesterday's match, so here they are.

The last 24 hours 'as been a sad day for football. We lost the game to Mongolia, and Bayern München got knocked out o' the Champions League playoffs. No more Robben. Bollocks.

Anyway, despite losin' the match, the Philippines still advances to the group stage, based on an aggregate score of 3-2. If you don' understand the concept o' aggregate scores, then tha' means you are poor at math, and you should get a math tutor to explain it to you.

Me overall comment: Crappy football. Need I say more?

A'right, so James Younghusband scored in the fourth minute. And I heard people back in the Philippines were cheering like mad. Oh, if you only knew tha' the Mongolians were just warmin' up, you'd all have shouted at the top o' yer lungs, 'cause that'd be the last chance you'd have of cheering for the Motherland.

The Azkals moving at a leisurely pace after J. Younhusband's goal.

In case you didn't know, we were playin' in -7°C. That's seven degrees below zero. Celsius. None of tha' Fahrenheit bullshit. The only thing keepin' the water in our bodies from freezin' was our body heat.

The ball-freezin' temperature (and when I say "ball", I mean "scrotum") was what allowed the Mongolians to run circles around us and score two goals. Even if the Mongolians managed to tie the aggregate score, we still would've won, on the basis o' the "Away Goal" rule. The "Away Goal" was what won Inter Milan the series against Bayern. If you don' understand the concept of an "Away Goal", then I suggest you go to Google.com an' type in "away goal" in the search bar.

A lot of people are blamin' the goalkeeper, Sacapano. They were callin' 'im "Butterfingers". Partly 'cause he was wearin' yellow.

"M&M Peanut" doesn't sound as good.

Well, the man tried his best. It's just tha' with Etheridge gone, Sacapano had 'uge shoes to fill. Literally. That's 'cause Neil is taller, and thus wears bigger shoes. 

Oh, and Phil Younghusband pulled a hamstring. Which means no goals for the time being. And no goals means no dates wit' Angel Locsin. Now I can make me move. I have to announce it on Twitter as well, because tha' seems to be the most effective way of gettin' a date with Angel. But what do I say? Has to be somethin' neutral. It shouldn't appear like I'd want to get in her pants, even if I really do want to get in her pants. I know. How about:

Oy, @143redangel! Fancy a cup o' tea avec moi?

Now let's break that Tweet down, word-for-word.

Oy─I definitely have to begin with "Oy", 'cause it's English, and also Kapampangan, or somethin'.
@143redangel─'Cause it's Twitter.
Fancy─To emphasise that I'm half-English (see, I even spelled it as "emphasise").
cup o' tea─Again, 'cause I'm half-English. "Cup o' coffee" is so American.
avec moi─Gotta throw in a bit o' French in there, just to make it look classy. Wicked!

Now about the game. Well, I got nothin' more to say about the game except "crappy football". Yeah, we conceded two goals, but we shouldn't blame the keeper Sacapano. We should blame the coach, Herr Weiss. As soon as Mongolia scored the first goal, he should've put me in.

Ratin': Crappy a.k.a. 3/10 (for effort)

You can follow Garry Potter on Twitter and also check out his YouTube videos.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is called "shameless plugging".

*some info from the Asian Football Confederation
pics from Mongolian Azkal Ako


Teluete said...

Why did I just read this in your Garry Potter voice?

Um, because it was Garry Potter who wrote it? Haha.

So harsh, Garry Potter is, giving a three out of ten. But play, he did not.

Garry fookin' Pottah' in da haus mates!!

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