Philippines v. Myanmar. 2012 AFC Challenge Cup Qualifiers, Group Stage

Due to the media blackout in Myanmar (thanks a lot, Myanmar government!), football fans in the Philippines relied on tweets from people who can't really give a decent play-by-play. We at Da Couch Tomato, however, had Garry Potter, to give us the inside scoop on the match itself.


What's the Deal with Myanmar?
by Garry Potter, Azkals

Oy. I'm Garry Potter. Because of Asian football's lack of any Live Ticker service (you all should learn from us Europeans), and also because of the Myanmar government's dictatorial hold on their media, I'm going to be telling you about yesterday's game.

Just another lazy day in Myanmar.

First of all, Neil Etheridge is back. That in itself is a 'uge reason to celebrate. That would mean no goals conceded for us, and no minutes played for me. I got no problem with that, since it's quite hot here, and I'd rather just sleep.

Now it was so hot in Myanmar that I slept through the entire game. I only woke up three times. First was already in the second 'alf, when the Myanmarese or Myanmari or Myanmarian (or whatever the hell you call them) goalkeeper, Kyaw Zin Htet, got sent off with a red card. That was in the 73rd minute, I think.

"What the... is that a watermark?"

Second time I woke up was three minutes later, when James Younghusband scored a goal from a penalty kick.

"I don't think I can do this without my brother."

The other goalkeeper, Ed Sacapano, woke me up to tell me the good news.

ED: Hey Potter!
ME: (yawns) What?
ED: Wake up! We scored a goal!
ME: Yeah? Who scored?
ED: James.
ME: James? Who's James?
ED: James Younghusband.
ME: I thought he pulled a hamstring?
ED: That was Phil.
ME: Phil... James... Whatever. (goes back to sleep)

And finally, the last time I woke up was when the midfielder from Myanmar, Khin Maung Lwin, scored an equalizer. Three minutes into stoppage time. Can you believe that?

And for my last words, I screamed at Etheridge, that he was a lousy goalkeeper, and that Coach Weiss should've put me in. But I did get to sleep, so I guess that's okay.


Ratin': Withheld (It wouldn't be fair to rate somethin' I slept through now, would it?)


You can follow Garry Potter on Twitter and also check out his YouTube videos.


*some info from the Asian Football Confederation
shamelessly watermarked pics from Craig Burrows

Philippines v. Mongolia. Asian Football Confederation Challenge Cup Pre-Qualifying Play-Off, Second Leg

Because this is a review of a football match, I'm going to let a friend of mine guest-blog. He's half-English, therefore knows a bloody lot more about football than I do. And also, he's an Azkal himself, and is the fourth reserve goalkeeper. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Garry Potter, Azkals.


Freezin' Our Balls Off: Post-Game Analysis of the Philippines v. Mongolia Series
by Garry Potter, Azkals

Oy. I'm Garry Potter, and I play goalkeeper for the Azkals. I've been asked to share me thoughts on yesterday's match, so here they are.

The last 24 hours 'as been a sad day for football. We lost the game to Mongolia, and Bayern München got knocked out o' the Champions League playoffs. No more Robben. Bollocks.

Anyway, despite losin' the match, the Philippines still advances to the group stage, based on an aggregate score of 3-2. If you don' understand the concept o' aggregate scores, then tha' means you are poor at math, and you should get a math tutor to explain it to you.

Me overall comment: Crappy football. Need I say more?

A'right, so James Younghusband scored in the fourth minute. And I heard people back in the Philippines were cheering like mad. Oh, if you only knew tha' the Mongolians were just warmin' up, you'd all have shouted at the top o' yer lungs, 'cause that'd be the last chance you'd have of cheering for the Motherland.

The Azkals moving at a leisurely pace after J. Younhusband's goal.

In case you didn't know, we were playin' in -7°C. That's seven degrees below zero. Celsius. None of tha' Fahrenheit bullshit. The only thing keepin' the water in our bodies from freezin' was our body heat.

The ball-freezin' temperature (and when I say "ball", I mean "scrotum") was what allowed the Mongolians to run circles around us and score two goals. Even if the Mongolians managed to tie the aggregate score, we still would've won, on the basis o' the "Away Goal" rule. The "Away Goal" was what won Inter Milan the series against Bayern. If you don' understand the concept of an "Away Goal", then I suggest you go to Google.com an' type in "away goal" in the search bar.

A lot of people are blamin' the goalkeeper, Sacapano. They were callin' 'im "Butterfingers". Partly 'cause he was wearin' yellow.

"M&M Peanut" doesn't sound as good.

Well, the man tried his best. It's just tha' with Etheridge gone, Sacapano had 'uge shoes to fill. Literally. That's 'cause Neil is taller, and thus wears bigger shoes. 

Oh, and Phil Younghusband pulled a hamstring. Which means no goals for the time being. And no goals means no dates wit' Angel Locsin. Now I can make me move. I have to announce it on Twitter as well, because tha' seems to be the most effective way of gettin' a date with Angel. But what do I say? Has to be somethin' neutral. It shouldn't appear like I'd want to get in her pants, even if I really do want to get in her pants. I know. How about:

Oy, @143redangel! Fancy a cup o' tea avec moi?

Now let's break that Tweet down, word-for-word.

Oy─I definitely have to begin with "Oy", 'cause it's English, and also Kapampangan, or somethin'.
@143redangel─'Cause it's Twitter.
Fancy─To emphasise that I'm half-English (see, I even spelled it as "emphasise").
cup o' tea─Again, 'cause I'm half-English. "Cup o' coffee" is so American.
avec moi─Gotta throw in a bit o' French in there, just to make it look classy. Wicked!

Now about the game. Well, I got nothin' more to say about the game except "crappy football". Yeah, we conceded two goals, but we shouldn't blame the keeper Sacapano. We should blame the coach, Herr Weiss. As soon as Mongolia scored the first goal, he should've put me in.


Ratin': Crappy a.k.a. 3/10 (for effort)


You can follow Garry Potter on Twitter and also check out his YouTube videos.


And that, ladies and gentlemen, is called "shameless plugging".


*some info from the Asian Football Confederation
pics from Mongolian Azkal Ako

Philippines v. Mongolia. Asian Football Confederation Challenge Cup Pre-Qualifying Play-Off, First Leg

Hooray for the Azkals. Now let's hear our post-game analysis.

Pana-ad Stadium isn't really a stadium. That is, of course, if we use this definition of a stadium: "A stadium is a place where the crowd can do a continuous, never-ending wave." Pana-ad only allowed quarter-waves.