Team USA's Exit From the Round of 16, Told Through Tweets

Twitter

The United States' Men's Soccer Team made history in their game against Belgium, resulting in their elimination from the Round of 16 of the World Cup. They ended the 90th minute with no goals scored for both sides. But football is known for its unpredictability, and true to form, all goals were scored in added time.

The second half of added time showed the world the best football ever played by the Americans. All thanks to their coach, Jürgen Klinsmann.

And then I read the tweets about him. And the tweets about US Soccer. Which made for a great morning read yesterday.

Happyland

The kid in the poster doesn't really look too happy.

If you haven't heard about Happyland, I honestly don't blame you. It's an indie film. And we all know how popular indie films are in the Philippines.

It used to be as popular as this sport.

The project is great, don't get me wrong. It's about football. But I think the whole approach is wrong.

About as wrong as putting a football jersey on a religious icon.

First off, it'll shatter your notions about Philippine football. I always thought that Barotac Nuevo in Iloilo was the center of local football. I never thought there would be a football mecca in Luzon. Apparently, there is. And in the country's capital to boot (pun not really intended). It turns out that Tondo, Manila is one of the few places in this country where you can hold a summer football league and have like ten participating teams, easy. And we're not just talking about pee-wee football. We're talking like the summer basketball leagues in every municipality, the ones where a few black eyes and a few knocked out teeth are quite normal. And it's Tondo, so you could also end up having an ice pick through your abdomen. Just kidding, Tondo.

The story, by the way, is about how a Spanish priest from the Don Bosco seminary taught some street ruffians from Tondo how to play football. And this isn't fiction either. It's a true story. And because it was an indie film, it operated on a meager budget. So why didn't the filmmakers do a documentary instead? I mean, in my opinion, if budget constraints would compromise the storytelling, then to hell with a narrative feature. A documentary would cost less to produce, and be more respectable-looking compared to a cheaply-made feature film.

On the other hand, I also get director Jim Libiran's vision. He says this film isn't geared toward making money. His aim is to spread the football virus and bring it down to the grassroots level. And that won't happen with a documentary, because no one really watches documentaries in this country. A narrative feature would appeal more to the average Filipino moviegoer. Yeah, okay, I get it.

"Look at our son. Bending over like Beckham."

There were a few saving graces to this film, though.

• Father John Andreu's cute Spanish accent. He speaks straight Tagalog, but with the unmistakable accent of a non-native speaker. As long as they're not into pedophelia or rape, old Spanish priests are cute.
• Peter Amores, who plays Brother Pedro. (Really? Pedro.. Peter... could you be any more subtle?) He is actually the lead proponent of the futkal program. One of futkal's aims is to bring football down to same level as popular children's games like taguan and patintero. Great job, Pedro. I mean, Peter.
• Phil Younghusband's cameo. One thing I noticed about Phil Younghusband was his legs. He has relatively skinny legs, compared to the football players I know. Ideally, he should have thighs like Beyoncé.
• The tears in my eyes. There were some dramatic moments toward the end, and it was pretty effective, because the kids didn't seem to be acting at all. That's because they're not actors. They're real street ruffians.
• China Cojuangco is a football chick. Surprisingly, she's still hot. 
• Jun Sabayton's cameo. I don't even have to explain.

And now, here are my parting words of wisdom: Watch this only if you're a football fanatic. Otherwise it would be a total waste of time.

Damn. Should've let Garry Potter of the Azkals write this review.


*some info from
pic from The Best Films and YouTube


Happyland. Philippines. 2010.


Rating: Five out of ten.

Philippines v. Myanmar. 2012 AFC Challenge Cup Qualifiers, Group Stage

Due to the media blackout in Myanmar (thanks a lot, Myanmar government!), football fans in the Philippines relied on tweets from people who can't really give a decent play-by-play. We at Da Couch Tomato, however, had Garry Potter, to give us the inside scoop on the match itself.


What's the Deal with Myanmar?
by Garry Potter, Azkals

Oy. I'm Garry Potter. Because of Asian football's lack of any Live Ticker service (you all should learn from us Europeans), and also because of the Myanmar government's dictatorial hold on their media, I'm going to be telling you about yesterday's game.

Just another lazy day in Myanmar.

First of all, Neil Etheridge is back. That in itself is a 'uge reason to celebrate. That would mean no goals conceded for us, and no minutes played for me. I got no problem with that, since it's quite hot here, and I'd rather just sleep.

Now it was so hot in Myanmar that I slept through the entire game. I only woke up three times. First was already in the second 'alf, when the Myanmarese or Myanmari or Myanmarian (or whatever the hell you call them) goalkeeper, Kyaw Zin Htet, got sent off with a red card. That was in the 73rd minute, I think.

"What the... is that a watermark?"

Second time I woke up was three minutes later, when James Younghusband scored a goal from a penalty kick.

"I don't think I can do this without my brother."

The other goalkeeper, Ed Sacapano, woke me up to tell me the good news.

ED: Hey Potter!
ME: (yawns) What?
ED: Wake up! We scored a goal!
ME: Yeah? Who scored?
ED: James.
ME: James? Who's James?
ED: James Younghusband.
ME: I thought he pulled a hamstring?
ED: That was Phil.
ME: Phil... James... Whatever. (goes back to sleep)

And finally, the last time I woke up was when the midfielder from Myanmar, Khin Maung Lwin, scored an equalizer. Three minutes into stoppage time. Can you believe that?

And for my last words, I screamed at Etheridge, that he was a lousy goalkeeper, and that Coach Weiss should've put me in. But I did get to sleep, so I guess that's okay.


Ratin': Withheld (It wouldn't be fair to rate somethin' I slept through now, would it?)


You can follow Garry Potter on Twitter and also check out his YouTube videos.


*some info from the Asian Football Confederation
shamelessly watermarked pics from Craig Burrows

Philippines v. Mongolia. Asian Football Confederation Challenge Cup Pre-Qualifying Play-Off, Second Leg

Because this is a review of a football match, I'm going to let a friend of mine guest-blog. He's half-English, therefore knows a bloody lot more about football than I do. And also, he's an Azkal himself, and is the fourth reserve goalkeeper. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Garry Potter, Azkals.


Freezin' Our Balls Off: Post-Game Analysis of the Philippines v. Mongolia Series
by Garry Potter, Azkals

Oy. I'm Garry Potter, and I play goalkeeper for the Azkals. I've been asked to share me thoughts on yesterday's match, so here they are.

The last 24 hours 'as been a sad day for football. We lost the game to Mongolia, and Bayern München got knocked out o' the Champions League playoffs. No more Robben. Bollocks.

Anyway, despite losin' the match, the Philippines still advances to the group stage, based on an aggregate score of 3-2. If you don' understand the concept o' aggregate scores, then tha' means you are poor at math, and you should get a math tutor to explain it to you.

Me overall comment: Crappy football. Need I say more?

A'right, so James Younghusband scored in the fourth minute. And I heard people back in the Philippines were cheering like mad. Oh, if you only knew tha' the Mongolians were just warmin' up, you'd all have shouted at the top o' yer lungs, 'cause that'd be the last chance you'd have of cheering for the Motherland.

The Azkals moving at a leisurely pace after J. Younhusband's goal.

In case you didn't know, we were playin' in -7°C. That's seven degrees below zero. Celsius. None of tha' Fahrenheit bullshit. The only thing keepin' the water in our bodies from freezin' was our body heat.

The ball-freezin' temperature (and when I say "ball", I mean "scrotum") was what allowed the Mongolians to run circles around us and score two goals. Even if the Mongolians managed to tie the aggregate score, we still would've won, on the basis o' the "Away Goal" rule. The "Away Goal" was what won Inter Milan the series against Bayern. If you don' understand the concept of an "Away Goal", then I suggest you go to Google.com an' type in "away goal" in the search bar.

A lot of people are blamin' the goalkeeper, Sacapano. They were callin' 'im "Butterfingers". Partly 'cause he was wearin' yellow.

"M&M Peanut" doesn't sound as good.

Well, the man tried his best. It's just tha' with Etheridge gone, Sacapano had 'uge shoes to fill. Literally. That's 'cause Neil is taller, and thus wears bigger shoes. 

Oh, and Phil Younghusband pulled a hamstring. Which means no goals for the time being. And no goals means no dates wit' Angel Locsin. Now I can make me move. I have to announce it on Twitter as well, because tha' seems to be the most effective way of gettin' a date with Angel. But what do I say? Has to be somethin' neutral. It shouldn't appear like I'd want to get in her pants, even if I really do want to get in her pants. I know. How about:

Oy, @143redangel! Fancy a cup o' tea avec moi?

Now let's break that Tweet down, word-for-word.

Oy─I definitely have to begin with "Oy", 'cause it's English, and also Kapampangan, or somethin'.
@143redangel─'Cause it's Twitter.
Fancy─To emphasise that I'm half-English (see, I even spelled it as "emphasise").
cup o' tea─Again, 'cause I'm half-English. "Cup o' coffee" is so American.
avec moi─Gotta throw in a bit o' French in there, just to make it look classy. Wicked!

Now about the game. Well, I got nothin' more to say about the game except "crappy football". Yeah, we conceded two goals, but we shouldn't blame the keeper Sacapano. We should blame the coach, Herr Weiss. As soon as Mongolia scored the first goal, he should've put me in.


Ratin': Crappy a.k.a. 3/10 (for effort)


You can follow Garry Potter on Twitter and also check out his YouTube videos.


And that, ladies and gentlemen, is called "shameless plugging".


*some info from the Asian Football Confederation
pics from Mongolian Azkal Ako

Goal!

While the country is caught up in football fever (which is really belated, by all standards), some of you might want to check out some football movies. Goal!, I believe, is a good choice.

The movie starts off as soccer, then eventually turns into football.

An American soccer pitch.

That's because it starts off in America, then ends up in England, the birthplace of the bloody sport.

An English football stadium.

This movie is basically an inspiration story. One of those types of films that after watching, will make you want to go out and start kicking a ball. But this is better than most inspirational films because it's more realistic, in my opinion. It shows that a determined, never-say-die attitude will eventually get you places.

Living your dream is the best feeling in the world.

Great acting by Kuno Becker. Well, not really great. Believable, maybe. I also love Stephen Dillane's accent. For those of you who didn't know, that guy played Merlin in Antoine Fuqua's King Arthur. Plus we also have two actors from Band of Brothers here.

Anyway, watch this movie for football, for the English culture, and for the cameos of none other than football greats David Beckham and Zinadine "Headbutt" Zidane.


*some info from IMDb
pics from VLC


Goal! UK/USA. 2005.


Rating: Seven out of ten.

Philippines v. Mongolia. Asian Football Confederation Challenge Cup Pre-Qualifying Play-Off, First Leg

Hooray for the Azkals. Now let's hear our post-game analysis.

Pana-ad Stadium isn't really a stadium. That is, of course, if we use this definition of a stadium: "A stadium is a place where the crowd can do a continuous, never-ending wave." Pana-ad only allowed quarter-waves.