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Cinema Conspiracy Theories: The Case of Titanic 3D

When George Lucas announced that he would be converting the entire Star Wars saga into 3D, no one was really surprised. After all, 3D has officially been declared "the future of cinema" (I cannot cite any source for this right now except the Jackass 3D trailer). And since the 3D cash cow must be milked bone-dry before it becomes the industry standard, we can expect a lot of 3D conversions coming up.

But what was really surprising was the fact that another movie had already announced its conversion plans before Lucas did: Titanic.

Titanic, as we all know, was that Oscar-winning flick about a sinking ship, shot by then King of the World, James Cameron. Titanic broke box office records during its time, and was the highest-grossing film in Hollywood history before it was toppled by last year's Avatar.

Avatar, for those who've been living under a rock, was 2009's greatest phenomenon, as it was the film that brought 3D technology to the forefront of pop culture. And the man behind Avatar was none other than the former King of the World, James Cameron.

I'm the King of the World, but my glasses suck!

What's strange in all this is that Cameron, one of the trailblazers in modern 3D technology, has always been very vocal about his disagreement with converted 3D technology. For him (and a lot of 3D experts, myself shamelessly included), 3D films must be shot with 3D cameras. There just is no substitute. A traditional 2D film converted to 3D will not be really 3D. The most it can be called is 2.8D.

Well, if he's against 3D conversion, how do we explain Titanic's 3D conversion plans, complete with a 2012 release date?

This is what I think:

I think Cameron is really against any form of converted 3D. And the only way to explain Titanic 3D's production green light is that James Cameron may have directed Titanic, but he does not own the rights to it. The rights to Titanic are owned by Paramount Pictures (who we shall call "the Studio" for brevity).

The Studio's head honcho, with dollar signs in his eyes, and smelling the immense profits to be realized by converting classic 2D films into 3D, calls James Cameron into his office.

STUDIO: Hey Jim (no one calls Cameron "Jim" unless they're family, they're close, or they rank higher than him in the Hollywood pyramid), what do you think about converting old 2D movies into 3D?

JC (stands for James Cameron, not Jesus Christ, the other King of the World): Conversion? I told you that would suck. There is just no substitute for shooting in 3D.

STUDIO: Well, you made your own camera, right? I mean, nobody knows 3D like you do.

JC: Well, I know that, but...

STUDIO: So that means you know about conversion.

JC: Yes, and like I said, converted 3D's got nothing on actual Real D 3D. You can't duplicate binocular vision with just one lens. You need two. Like the human eyes.

STUDIO: Cut out that Discovery Channel shit, will you? Is it possible to create the technology to make decent conversions?

JC: Yes, it is. But to make a decent conversion, it would still take at least six months. And I'd have to supervise the whole conversion process, just to get it right.

STUDIO: Great. We've decided to convert Titanic into 3D.

JC: What? No!

STUDIO: What do you mean, no? We own the film, and we can do whatever we want with it.

JC: Not my baby! I refuse to make my baby a guinea pig for all the conversion experiments you've got planned!

STUDIO: Oh yeah? (snaps fingers to call two bodyguards, who grab JC and shove him face down on the table with his arms twisted behind him, pretty much how Tony Soprano would do it)

JC: Ouch...you're hurting me!

STUDIO: Listen, Cameron. You'll be hurting in more places if you don't do as I say. You started all this with your Avatar 3D shit. Well now 3D is bigger than you. It's bigger than all of us. And you're gonna start work on that 3D conversion technology, and make sure you get it perfect.

JC: What happens if I refuse?

STUDIO: I'll bang your ex-wife and kill her in front of you.

JC: Yeah, like I care. We're divorced. Do what you want with her.

STUDIO: Well, in that case...we'll just let M. Night Shyamalan oversee the conversion process. He's almost done with the 3D conversion for The Last Airbender. And he's still pretty pissed off about you taking the name "Avatar".

JC: Nooooo!

Well, you can imagine the rest. Again, let me just say that this is a pure work of fiction, as are most conspiracy theories, and any similarities between actual persons, living or deceased, are purely coincidental.

*some info taken from Star Wars, Mashable, and Screen Rant
pic from Electronic House


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