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The Expendables

Just when you thought you couldn't inject any more testosterone into a flick, then along comes this Stallone creation. Sly's a fuckin' genius! Who would've ever thought of assembling a gang of (over the hill) Hollywood action studs?!? No one this side of the Milky Way, that's who! Too bad my other faves like JCVD (Jean Claude Van-Damme for all you giblets not in the know), Chuck Norris, and Steven Seagal didn't find their way into The Expendables roster.

Seemed like this movie was just about a bunch of guys who just want to hurt each other, as well as other guys. There was really no trace of a plot except for one that involves killing a former CIA agent who went rogue and now holds a small island in the Mexican Gulf named Vilena and controls the dictator there, as well as the drugs that flow out of that place.

But I really don't give a dang about any plots in this movie. I'm just a sucker for cheesy one-liners and massive explosions, plus a lot of blood!

Now let me throw in my two cents to the stars of this movie. Here goes...

Sylvester Stallone─could still run through the jungle like John Rambo (though not as fast). Him clashing with Dolph Lundgren brings back memories of Rocky 4.

Jason Statham─still has the 'ole The Transporter moves, and the 'ole Turkish (Snatch) accent. Watching a lot of live UFC events proved to be beneficial too because he was able to infuse his MMA moves into the movie fight sequences (that goes for Stallone, too, who was doin' an arm bar on Stone Cold).

Jet Li─showed traces of Once Upon A Time In China meets Romeo Must Die fight techniques. Less talk and more martial arts!

Dolph Lundgren─sounds exactly like Ivan Drago who just learned English or somethin'. Why can't he sound like He-Man?!?

Mickey Rourke─minimum lines equals maximum effect. Less is more indeed.

Randy Couture─has probably done more Superman Punches than any other Hollywood actor in history. Also looks more "Natural" (no pun intended) than Rampage Jackson in front of a camera. Too bad The A-Team didn't do as well as this flick when it was released back in June.

Terry Crews─added more muscle to the testosterone. Also busted a move (like he always does in his movies). Dancers really can't help it.

Stone Cold Steve Austin─stuck with his own Texan accent and tried to sound tough (like he always does in WWE). A Stone Cold Stunner was actually executed in this flick. But it wasn't Austin who did it (could've been either Randy "The Natural" Couture or Jason "The Transporter" Statham).

Arnold Schwarzenegger─try and take a closer look and you will see that Arnold kinda' walks like The Terminator itself.

Bruce Willis─Mr. "Calm Demeanor" himself.

And oh! They could've picked a prettier Latina actress to play the part of the General's daughter (though I wouldn't think twice if this girl stripped right in front of me). The thing was that where were all the women in this film where all the alpha males were at?!?

And no kissing scene too? WTF?!? Stallone kinda' feinted a kiss, but that's the nearest thing to a kiss that we're ever gonna see in that movie. Too bad!

Well, that's basically my  two cents. If you have a sharp eye, you would actually see the Nogueira twins (Minotauro and Minotouro, or probably just one of them) playin' Vilena soldiers. My guess is that Randy Couture invited 'em or something.

For all its worth, I give this a 6.5 out of a 10. A 9.9 out of 10 though for the superb casting and excessive explosions. The missin' .1 was for the MIA (missin' in action) guys (JCVD, Chucky boy, and Steven "Emotionless" Seagal).

*image source: http://www.collider.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Expendables-movie-poster1-404x600.jpg


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