Review: Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbes and Shaw, or The Rock and Statham Are Probably the New Laurel and Hardy

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"This franchise has nowhere to go but up!"

Hobbes and Shaw is the first spin-off of a franchise that ran relatively long (eight movies by my count), and by the looks of it, it might continue for a few more movies. That's because the filmmakers understood one very important piece of knowledge: human beings love action, fast cars, and hot women.

I'm guessing no one saw this coming, though. Who would've thought it would be relative franchise newcomers Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham that would take the wheel of the spin-offs? Everyone was thinking it would have been Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris in the spin-offs before The Rock and Statham came along. And Gibson hasn't been secretive about is displeasure with the direction the producers were taking.

You know what I think? I think the reason the producers ditched Gibson and Ludacris for Johnson and Statham was chemistry. Sure, Gibson and Ludacris had chemistry, but it was more because they had shared status as the franchise's comic relief. But Hobbes and Shaw is a different combination altogether: they're an action duo, they can fight, and they are also a natural comic duo. That's like a three-for-the-price-of-one promo. Their rivalry is evident, but their chemistry is undeniable.

Anyway, let's go to Idris Elba. Black Superman? Of course he is. I'm just not sure why no one even claimed that title before. Maybe no one dared use it? I don't know. If anyone was going to be called Black Superman, you'd think he'd come from the world of sports, like an athlete or something. But Elba shows us his athleticism in this film, and I wouldn't be surprised if he actually did most, if not all, of his stunts for this movie.

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"I still have a full head of hair, motherfuckers!"

As far as action heroines go, Vanessa Kirby is fast becoming my favourite. You wouldn't have thought that from seeing her in The Crown, but after Mission: Impossible – Fallout, I think she showed the world that she can go toe-to-toe with her male co-stars in giving a good onscreen ass-whooping.

But even without Vanessa Kirby, or even without any female lead for that matter, audiences will still flock to see this flick because of the car chase sequences. This is, after all, still part of the Fast & Furious franchise, and this film becomes nothing without the fast cars. The chase sequences will leave you on the edge of your seat with all the adrenaline, and the stunt driving is so good that there definitely has to be some CGI in there somewhere. If there isn't, God bless you, stunt drivers. The world is definitely a better place with you.

Finally, for the first time in the franchise, we get to see Samoa. Personally, I think taking the Fast & Furious franchise to off-road locations wouldn't work in the long run. Not that it's not practical, it's just that stunt driving looks absolutely breathtaking when the cars weave in and out of traffic, and you can't really do that driving in the jungle. So beautiful as it is, I hope the producers don't come back to Samoa. I mean, if they want to go back there, at least let them do shoot the chase sequences in downtown Apia. That's Samoa's capital, for those too lazy to Google.

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"Is that Idris Elba getting his own spin-off?"

Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbes and Shaw. USA. 2019.



Original rating: 7.4/10
Vanessa Kirby's hotness: +0.1
Helen Mirren: +0.1
Kevin Hart: +0.1
Ryan Reynolds: 0.1
Roman Reigns: +0.05
Samoa looking like Mindanao: +0.05
Final rating: 7.9/10

The Expendables 2

I was waiting for Bruce Lee to suddenly show up, but I just remembered that he was dead. Sorry.

No Bruce Lee, no Expendables

The Expendables

Just when you thought you couldn't inject any more testosterone into a flick, then along comes this Stallone creation. Sly's a fuckin' genius! Who would've ever thought of assembling a gang of (over the hill) Hollywood action studs?!? No one this side of the Milky Way, that's who! Too bad my other faves like JCVD (Jean Claude Van-Damme for all you giblets not in the know), Chuck Norris, and Steven Seagal didn't find their way into The Expendables roster.

Seemed like this movie was just about a bunch of guys who just want to hurt each other, as well as other guys. There was really no trace of a plot except for one that involves killing a former CIA agent who went rogue and now holds a small island in the Mexican Gulf named Vilena and controls the dictator there, as well as the drugs that flow out of that place.

But I really don't give a dang about any plots in this movie. I'm just a sucker for cheesy one-liners and massive explosions, plus a lot of blood!

Now let me throw in my two cents to the stars of this movie. Here goes...

Sylvester Stallone─could still run through the jungle like John Rambo (though not as fast). Him clashing with Dolph Lundgren brings back memories of Rocky 4.

Jason Statham─still has the 'ole The Transporter moves, and the 'ole Turkish (Snatch) accent. Watching a lot of live UFC events proved to be beneficial too because he was able to infuse his MMA moves into the movie fight sequences (that goes for Stallone, too, who was doin' an arm bar on Stone Cold).

Jet Li─showed traces of Once Upon A Time In China meets Romeo Must Die fight techniques. Less talk and more martial arts!

Dolph Lundgren─sounds exactly like Ivan Drago who just learned English or somethin'. Why can't he sound like He-Man?!?

Mickey Rourke─minimum lines equals maximum effect. Less is more indeed.

Randy Couture─has probably done more Superman Punches than any other Hollywood actor in history. Also looks more "Natural" (no pun intended) than Rampage Jackson in front of a camera. Too bad The A-Team didn't do as well as this flick when it was released back in June.

Terry Crews─added more muscle to the testosterone. Also busted a move (like he always does in his movies). Dancers really can't help it.

Stone Cold Steve Austin─stuck with his own Texan accent and tried to sound tough (like he always does in WWE). A Stone Cold Stunner was actually executed in this flick. But it wasn't Austin who did it (could've been either Randy "The Natural" Couture or Jason "The Transporter" Statham).

Arnold Schwarzenegger─try and take a closer look and you will see that Arnold kinda' walks like The Terminator itself.

Bruce Willis─Mr. "Calm Demeanor" himself.


And oh! They could've picked a prettier Latina actress to play the part of the General's daughter (though I wouldn't think twice if this girl stripped right in front of me). The thing was that where were all the women in this film where all the alpha males were at?!?

And no kissing scene too? WTF?!? Stallone kinda' feinted a kiss, but that's the nearest thing to a kiss that we're ever gonna see in that movie. Too bad!

Well, that's basically my  two cents. If you have a sharp eye, you would actually see the Nogueira twins (Minotauro and Minotouro, or probably just one of them) playin' Vilena soldiers. My guess is that Randy Couture invited 'em or something.

For all its worth, I give this a 6.5 out of a 10. A 9.9 out of 10 though for the superb casting and excessive explosions. The missin' .1 was for the MIA (missin' in action) guys (JCVD, Chucky boy, and Steven "Emotionless" Seagal).





*image source: http://www.collider.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Expendables-movie-poster1-404x600.jpg

Crank: High Voltage

Okay, what can I say about Crank: High Voltage?

1. It's the sequel to Crank, circa 2006.
I've never seen the first film. Or I might've, but I've totally forgotten about it. That happens sometimes. Especially when the film was boring.

2. It's a low budget flick.
Low budget. B-movie. Not even Amy Smart's acting, Geri Halliwell's cameo, or Jason Statham's abs can move this up to the A-list. But Clifton Collins, Jr. was okay.

3. Great editing.
Fast-paced, vomit-in-your-seat editing. Perfect match for the cranked-up storytelling.

4. Outrageous cameos.
There's the legendary David Carradine, Chester Bennington from Linkin Park, mixed martial artist Keith "The Dean of Mean" Jardine, and porn superstars Ron Jeremy and Ed Powers. Still not enough to make this an A-lister.

The verdict: Not for the faint of heart, as violence and gore are all over this picture.


*some info from IMDb
pic from getthebigpicture.net


Crank: High Voltage. USA. 2009.


Rating: Five out of ten.

Transporter 3

Even your popcorn will go to waste watching this.

We all know the premise of the Transporter series. Diver takes the package from point A to point B and fights a few bad guys on the way. Simple? Maybe. But it's so simple it's terrible.

Okay, so here are the good points: 1) Jason Statham was born to play the role; 2) the legendary Luc Besson co-wrote and co-produced the film; 3) there is an action sequence with Statham riding a regular bicycle; 4) Statham's abs caused males everywhere to start doing sit-ups; and 5) the very entertaining Robert Knepper played the villain perfectly.

And now the bad points. First, the editing was terrible. Yes, fast-paced action requires fast-paced editing, but this is too much. The editors Camille Delamarre and Carla Rizzo did a really sloppy job, even including shots less than a second long in the action sequences, too quick for the eyes to digest. Beautifully-choreographed fight sequences should have as few cuts as possible, to allow the viewer more time to soak in the beauty of the action. Here, it seemed like the filmmakers wanted to include as many of their shots as possible, just to show the viewers that they shot the sequence in so many angles. That's a bad call for director Olivier Megaton as well.

Second: mediocre/bad acting, from everyone except maybe Robert Knepper. Not even Natalya Rudakova's pretty face was able to mask her sub-par performance.

And lastly, this film didn't show us anything new at all. Yes, so the car chases were great. But I've seen better.


Rating: Four out of ten.

Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels

Released in 1998, this is Guy Ritchie's first feature film, and definitely not the last in his style.

This is a shady tale about the London criminal life, where guns and gambling go together like fish and chips. Different gangs screwing each other up is a favorite theme of Guy Ritchie. The film also features Mr. Madonna's trademark camera moves, the multiple overlapping storylines, and his endearing, heavily-accented and foul-mouthed characters.

Aside from being the film that skyrocketed the careers of Jason "The Transporter" Statham and Vinnie "From-the-Stadium-to-the-Screen" Jones, it also features music god Sting in a not-so-well-acted cameo. Watch it if even just for a dose of non-Hollywood English-speaking cinema.

Four stars.