Da Couch Tomato Podcast, Episode 29, discussing Disney's Mulan (2020), how this should not be compared to the 1998 animated version, and how this is like the Black Panther for Asians (arguably).
Hosts: Sting Lacson and Rachel
Rating: 6.8/10
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Da Couch Tomato Podcast, Episode 29, discussing Disney's Mulan (2020), how this should not be compared to the 1998 animated version, and how this is like the Black Panther for Asians (arguably).
Hosts: Sting Lacson and Rachel
Rating: 6.8/10
I was waiting for Bruce Lee to suddenly show up, but I just remembered that he was dead. Sorry.
 |
| No Bruce Lee, no Expendables |
Just when you thought you couldn't inject any more testosterone into a flick, then along comes this Stallone creation. Sly's a fuckin' genius! Who would've ever thought of assembling a gang of (over the hill) Hollywood action studs?!? No one this side of the Milky Way, that's who! Too bad my other faves like JCVD (Jean Claude Van-Damme for all you giblets not in the know), Chuck Norris, and Steven Seagal didn't find their way into The Expendables roster.
Seemed like this movie was just about a bunch of guys who just want to hurt each other, as well as other guys. There was really no trace of a plot except for one that involves killing a former CIA agent who went rogue and now holds a small island in the Mexican Gulf named Vilena and controls the dictator there, as well as the drugs that flow out of that place.
But I really don't give a dang about any plots in this movie. I'm just a sucker for cheesy one-liners and massive explosions, plus a lot of blood!
Now let me throw in my two cents to the stars of this movie. Here goes...
Sylvester Stallone─could still run through the jungle like John Rambo (though not as fast). Him clashing with Dolph Lundgren brings back memories of Rocky 4.
Jason Statham─still has the 'ole The Transporter moves, and the 'ole Turkish (Snatch) accent. Watching a lot of live UFC events proved to be beneficial too because he was able to infuse his MMA moves into the movie fight sequences (that goes for Stallone, too, who was doin' an arm bar on Stone Cold).
Jet Li─showed traces of Once Upon A Time In China meets Romeo Must Die fight techniques. Less talk and more martial arts!
Dolph Lundgren─sounds exactly like Ivan Drago who just learned English or somethin'. Why can't he sound like He-Man?!?
Mickey Rourke─minimum lines equals maximum effect. Less is more indeed.
Randy Couture─has probably done more Superman Punches than any other Hollywood actor in history. Also looks more "Natural" (no pun intended) than Rampage Jackson in front of a camera. Too bad The A-Team didn't do as well as this flick when it was released back in June.
Terry Crews─added more muscle to the testosterone. Also busted a move (like he always does in his movies). Dancers really can't help it.
Stone Cold Steve Austin─stuck with his own Texan accent and tried to sound tough (like he always does in WWE). A Stone Cold Stunner was actually executed in this flick. But it wasn't Austin who did it (could've been either Randy "The Natural" Couture or Jason "The Transporter" Statham).
Arnold Schwarzenegger─try and take a closer look and you will see that Arnold kinda' walks like The Terminator itself.
Bruce Willis─Mr. "Calm Demeanor" himself.
And oh! They could've picked a prettier Latina actress to play the part of the General's daughter (though I wouldn't think twice if this girl stripped right in front of me). The thing was that where were all the women in this film where all the alpha males were at?!?
And no kissing scene too? WTF?!? Stallone kinda' feinted a kiss, but that's the nearest thing to a kiss that we're ever gonna see in that movie. Too bad!
Well, that's basically my two cents. If you have a sharp eye, you would actually see the Nogueira twins (Minotauro and Minotouro, or probably just one of them) playin' Vilena soldiers. My guess is that Randy Couture invited 'em or something.
For all its worth, I give this a 6.5 out of a 10. A 9.9 out of 10 though for the superb casting and excessive explosions. The missin' .1 was for the MIA (missin' in action) guys (JCVD, Chucky boy, and Steven "Emotionless" Seagal).
*image source: http://www.collider.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Expendables-movie-poster1-404x600.jpg
Two words: Ho Hum.
First of all, Terra Cotta warriors were not mummies, so I don't know how they were able to force the mummy theme on a Chinese setting.
Brendan Fraser reprises his role as the tomb raider Rick O'Connell, but strangely, Maria Bello takes over the role of Evy from Rachel Weisz. Apparently, Rachel Weisz chose not to return to her role, citing "problems with the script." And those problems become pretty obvious as the film moves along.
John Hannah still plays the same comic relief character he played in the previous Mummy flicks, but he's become a bit more of a potty-mouth this time. Luke Ford plays the O'Connells' now-grown-up son Alex, but the fresh performances definitely come from the Chinese cast led by Russell Wong as General Ming, Michelle Yeoh as the sorceress Zi Yuan, and Mr. Jet Li himself as the Dragon Emperor.
The film is---let me put it bluntly---boring, and it's also riddled with inconsistencies. The story was supposed to be set in Communist China, so how was Jonathan, a foreigner, able to own a bar in Shanghai? And Yetis? They put Yetis in the story?
I'm sorry, but after watching this film, I regretted it immediately, and wished I'd just watched The Dark Knight again. At least I wouldn't have slept through that one.
Rating: Two and a half stars.
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