Sucker Punch Awards

This is another pseudo-review.

All those who didn't like Sucker Punch, please raise your hands. Okay, what were your problems with it? Too much eye candy? You could actually tell that from the poster, so it's your fault you chose to watch this over Justin Bieber's movie. What's that? Too much action? Again, you could've watched Justin Bieber. Come again? You didn't like the story? Let's clarify. Did you not like the story, or did you not get the story? Either way, Justin Bieber.

Anyway, let me just shut myself up and start with the review, where I shall be handing out awards like...

Best Action Sequence

Not pictured: Action.
Also not pictured: Germans.

The German trenches

I love World War II. Although technically, this takes place in a World War I trench, but, whatever, right? And I hate Germans, because of their racist, white supremacy bullcrap. I also hate zombies, because... they're zombies. So this sequence is perfect. It's like a Steampunk version of A Very Long Engagement.

Smile Monster

Fortunately, the younger generation of today know less or nothing about Charlie Chaplin, (and) so I am able to brag to them about their ignorance of a pioneering act of more-ways-than-one. And it is evident when 15 year-old American Idol finalist Thia Megia took a triple strike when,

Firs: When her rendition of "Smile" was negatively assessed;
Second: When she mistook the song as Michael Jackson's original; and
Lastly: When she mistook "Chaplin" as "Chapman".

Upon much contemplation on Thia's subconscious remark on the name, I reckoned how I may have to agree, and will illustrate some proving points as we progress, with your co-indulgent permission. LOL

Sucker Punch

image source: http://roberthood.net/blog/index.php/2010/07/27/sucker-punch-hits-the-blogsphere/

Look, let's just get this out of the way. Not every story within a story within a story movie fares lower than Inception. I love Inception (even got into a fight because of it) but firstly, it wasn't the one who gave birth to the story within a story within a story structure. Secondly, I don't think it should be held as a bar for other movies who would love to that form. That's just so silly I'm not expounding because you should take it for a fact and let me swoon.

Fuck yeah, Sucker Punch! A movie every girl and guy who's not lame enough to enjoy a good ass-kicking would enjoy. Scratch that─have bazillions of orgasms to. This is why I have no fucking idea why the reviews in the interwebs are scoring this low. What? You want boobs rather than cleavage? What? You were actually expecting some sort of Inception-like plot because it's a story within a fucking story? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you even watch the trailer? You're supposed to fucking watch it because it's eye-candy, not because it is, like *start bimbo voice* y'know like *end bimbo voice*, deep. (By the way, yes, after watching Sucker Punch, it makes me say... and think... "fuck" a lot.) That's like asking xXx or The Fast and the Furious to teach you moral lessons or something. Seriously. What kind of a poser are you?

Yes, this is how low scores affect me. Haha. Because it's just so... orgasmic. Yes, this is probably a repeat of other action-driven films you have exposed yourself to, but this does not make it any less worthy of your time. It is so purteeh. The landscape, the goth, the steampunk-ness of it all. It's just breathtaking. It's a video game-anime-fantasy-sci-fi-shit mashed into Watchmen and 300. Close-ups! Steady, (emphasize on) not shaky sweeps of the camera! The action scenes! And of course! I think I just saw Vanessa Hudgens do a River Tam move there. Although I wish her axe was much much bigger.

Whaaat? I'm a little girl. I like to compensate for my lack of penis with giant weapons.

Well no, not really. I think having a dick is kind of a hassle. I can only imagine it swaying here and there... And oh, the trouble you have to go to cover an arousal... Where were we?

Oh. I think this is the point where I should probably be talking about the movie's feminism. Or lack of it.

Now we can go on and on about scantily-clad hot chicks murdering the enemy with such wonderful flair and how it does not construe feminism. But Sucker Punch isn't really a notable forefront for that discussion. Ever since old school Charlie's Angels (or any earlier example that anyone out there can think for me), we have been having that discussion already: it's not really girl power, it's disguised sexism. Exploitation of sexual harassment, too. As for now, I doubt any discussion on popular culture's dealings with these issues will end with this movie. So I think it's actually futile to debate about it. Still, I just need to mention it because well, one, it just hammers girl power too much. And two, even though I believe the movie still adheres to patriarchy (especially since Baby Blond and the gang still need guidance from a fatherly figure, Charlie of Charlie's Angels), I actually felt empowered watching these little girls kick ass. As shallow as it may be, you really have to start off somewhere in feeling good. I felt good. I wanted to kick ass. And looking hot while I do it isn't really something I would frown upon.

For the record however, I find it amazing how Zack Snyder makes the clothes and the women look not at all slutty or sleazy. With this know-how, Tyra Banks should have him on the panel of America's Next Top Model.

Anyway, whatever anyone says about the story, I actually think it's pretty clean and clear cut. You know where to draw the lines among the story within the story within the story, the symbols and metaphors are pretty direct, and every angle is tied up into a pretty little bow.

Again, it's simple. But really, if you just can't get that, go study deep stuff on your desk and suck the fun out of your room without harming anyone else. Amidst the hype it got (because Snyder directed Watchmen and 300... as if those weren't just mindless fun too), I totally believe that Sucker Punch only invited you to enjoy a good popcorn and drink. Nothing more, nothing less.

I've always liked honesty.

8/10




You may also want to check out the other Sucker Punch reviews from Sting Lacson and Teluete.

Kapitan Sino by Bob Ong

image source: http://krislerism.blogspot.com/2009/05/bob-ongs-new-book.html

Kapitan Sino made me remember why I stopped reading Bob Ong even before I hit the age of pretentiousness that I'm supposed to like, err, art... literature.

Sure, I can bear and grit my teeth through his underlying misogyny (with Kapitan Sino's female characters divided into two types, the palengkera bitches and the innocent goody goodies─where the female has to be blind to be good because she doesn't care about looks at all, which kinds of hints Bob Ong as a bitter male pissed off at womenkind─or a group of bitter males because there's this rumor that Bob Ong is not just one author). What I can't stand anymore is his preachy-ness.

Yuck.

I remember reading Ang Paboritong Libro ni Hudas and started wondering if he's just really a stuffy old man ranting to the kids about the good old conservative days. Well, most of the time, he surely sounds like one─the way he talks about the eighties and the nineties, sometimes I wish I can build a time machine to send him back so he wouldn't be grumpy anymore.

Kapitan Sino is set in the late eighties, and is about this young dude who's, duh, a superhero. He has a fat best friend who's funny and his blind almost-girlfriend. And then he saves people. Typical stuff: thievery, buildings on fire, cats stuck on trees. The book even poked fun at these cliché situations, showing how these are really more Western incidents rather than local ones. Heh. Cats getting stuck on trees. Our cats will definitely kick their cats' butts!

Bob Ong can be really funny. There are lines and quips that are so right on timing, they almost shadow his annoying qualities. Almost. The whole book preaches all about defining heroism and attempts to showcase a satirical take on the lower middle class society that the funny aspect can't shadow the sucky aspects. I am not saying that the palengkera and ungrateful bastards and bitches of lower middle class society make up a group of saints. But painting them in that ultra-negative light doesn't showcase the ills of the community; it just further showcases the author as a pompous bourgeois who thinks that the urban poor are hateful, greedy, idiotic munchkins who will basically never change. Bob Ong does not offer anything new or insightful to what I've always been hearing in my bitchy middle class world about the urban poor.

This is, by the way, how local superheroes Zsazsa Zaturnnah and its concept mother Darna differ from other ego-centric and individualistic superheroes. These superheroes actually value the community, even asking help from them when worse comes to worst. My favorite moment in Zsazsa Zaturnnah was when the superhero's love interest Dodong tries to help the superhero but gets thrown into air by the villain. The community, who was watching the fight for entertainment (there were vendors selling food and bottled water, plus tabloids with the headline "Salpakan ng mga Seksi"), screamed "Hinagis si Dodong! Tulungan natin! Saluhin natin si Dodong!" It's interesting how the community is there both for entertainment and to support the good guys.

They failed to catch Dodong, though. They let out another scream of apologies. "Sorry Dodong! Sorry talaga!"

Anyway, I'm talking about other superheroes to point out that discussing heroism, societal ills, and being funny at the same time is possible... WITHOUT the need to be such a self-righteous jerk. (And imagine, Zaturnnah was able to discuss gender too.)

I read Bob Ong because I was trying to bring back my grasp of Filipino. Good thing I read Ang mga Kaibigan ni Mama Susan first because one, I wouldn't have read Ang mga Kaibigan ni Mama Susan (which was good) or any of his other works after Kapitan Sino.

And two, because Kapitan Sino really just deserves to be left a mystery.

3/10

And oh, Bob Ong's definition of what a hero is would probably be a forefront of the lame Ako Mismo campaign.

Sucker Punch

There was a ridiculous amount of hype for Sucker Punch. It was inevitable, with such a gorgeous, scantily clad cast, and Zach Snyder at the helm.

Then the bad reviews started rolling in and with 80% of my Blondie costume done, you can't blame a gal for being a little anxious. But you know what? The critics can suck it. I enjoyed Sucker Punch.

Emily Browning's character, Babydoll, is institutionalized by her stepfather and is scheduled for a lobotomy in five days. She retreats into her mind and has these dream-within-a-dream fantasies about finding a way to escape with the help of four other inmates: Rocket (Jenna Malone), Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish), Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens) and Amber (Jamie Chung).

Yes, the film’s strongest point is that it’s just so visually stunning (And I’m not just talking about Abbie Cornish. Oh, Abbie. Make an honest woman out of me. ♥), but the core of it had potential. The plot and character development were a little lacking, but I think that was mostly due to the scenes they cut out to get the rating down from an R to a PG-13. I’m hoping they come out with a director’s cut because I’m insanely curious about that scene with Jon Hamm and the Burlesque stage numbers that they edited out.

The soundtrack is absolutely amazing. Emily Browning does a hauntingly beautiful cover of "Sweet Dreams" that you should watch out for, and the songs they used for the fight scenes just made everything so much more bad-ass.

Sucker Punch's biggest fault is that it was over-hyped. Forget the hype. It's a fun movie (up to the second half which I can't explain without spoiling) that's an odd-but-kinda-works combination of girl-power and a fanboy's wet dream.




You may also want to check out the other Sucker Punch reviews from Claire and Sting Lacson.

Music Icons: Nate Dogg

Wearing his bandana "Mang Kepweng" style.

Nate Dogg is regarded as the "Scottie Pippen of Hip-Hop", making him the ultimate team player. He isn't concerned about the limelight. Having collaborated with the likes of Snoop Dogg, Warren G, 2-Pac, Eminem, and Dr. Dre, Nate's deep vocals are more like supporting tools, enhancing a song better than Auto-Tune can ever do. And as we wish Nate Dogg a fond farewell as he joins that great jam session in the sky, here's a last look at the song that introduced me to hip-hop back in the early nineties:

Nate Dogg a.k.a. Nathaniel Dwayne Hale. 19 August 1969 - 15 March 2011. 


*some info from Wikipedia
pic from Common Red
video from YouTube

UFC 128

Just watched the replay, and I should say the main event was just as impressive as when I watched the PPV for the first time. Anyway, let's go with the other fights first (which I really don't give a fuck about).

Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovic VS Brendan "The Hybrid" Schaub
Cro Cop is just a legend waiting to be turned into a trophy by those young up-and-comers. That's why you don't see the fear in Schaub's eyes, the same fear that Cro Cop's opponents had back in Pride half a decade ago.

Believe it or not, Cro Cop was an Alpha Male back in the day.

Zatôichi (The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi)

Regular Japanese cinema is quite refreshing, as the only Japanese movies I am familiar with are Akira Kurosawa's. And also Hayao Miyazaki's. Plus a few more which I don't really recall.

Anway, this film transports us back to feudal Japan, which is not a bad place to live in, actually. I only wish the filmmakers limited the weaponry to just swords. They had to introduce a revolver sometime near the end, which in my opinion was totally unnecessary. But what do I know about Japanese history, right?

Nothing. I know nothing.

Although there seems to be a hint of sexual tension between the blind masseur and the old lady, I'm sorry to say that this film has no sex in it.

"Sorry, not even nudity."

At first, you may think this is the story of the blind masseur slash swordsman (slash, get it?), but I think the story is actually more on the Naruto children.

Not that one.

The Naruto children's sole driving force is to avenge the death of their family. There are a lot of touching scenes involving the two siblings, and just to make sure that the males in the audience don't fantasize about having a threesome with two geishas, it has been clearly established that the other one is a male.

Guess which one.

The film's comic relief works like a charm. I guess it's the Asian in us. We have a similar sense of humor. And also probably because the writer-director (who also happens to star as the blind masseur), Takeshi Kitano, was one of the leading figures in Japanese stand-up comedy. Bravo. But that doesn't quite explain the atrocious ending. I guess it was too Jai Ho for me.

Nothing says "Asian" more than a dance number.

Okay, I'm going to unleash some spoilers here, which in my opinion will not detract from the essence of the film. The masseur slash swordsman is blind, right? But in a totally expected plot twist, it turns out that he is not actually blind. Then in another not-quite-expected plot twist (also known as a "Double Shyamalan"), it turns out that he is actually blind. So, in true Christopher Nolan Inception fashion, it's up to you to decide.

"Even I don't know if I'm blind or not."

*some info from IMDb
pics from Naruto and VLC


Zatôichi. Japan. 2003.


Rating: Seven point eight out of ten.

Afro Samurai

It's not true that everybody in the world wants to be white. There's this saying that Asians want to be Black. But apparently, Blacks also want to be Asians. Yeah, they love Bruce Lee, Voltron, and geishas. And then we get a TV show like this.

1. "Number Two"

"Yeah, I know. My headband is quite long."

Anime. With a black guy. Lots of blood. And gore. And music by The RZA. That's right. The Wu-Tang RZA. Who again displays his love for everything Eastern by doing the music for a cartoon about a black samurai. Obviously a dream come true for him.

Philippines v. Myanmar. 2012 AFC Challenge Cup Qualifiers, Group Stage

Due to the media blackout in Myanmar (thanks a lot, Myanmar government!), football fans in the Philippines relied on tweets from people who can't really give a decent play-by-play. We at Da Couch Tomato, however, had Garry Potter, to give us the inside scoop on the match itself.


What's the Deal with Myanmar?
by Garry Potter, Azkals

Oy. I'm Garry Potter. Because of Asian football's lack of any Live Ticker service (you all should learn from us Europeans), and also because of the Myanmar government's dictatorial hold on their media, I'm going to be telling you about yesterday's game.

Just another lazy day in Myanmar.

First of all, Neil Etheridge is back. That in itself is a 'uge reason to celebrate. That would mean no goals conceded for us, and no minutes played for me. I got no problem with that, since it's quite hot here, and I'd rather just sleep.

Now it was so hot in Myanmar that I slept through the entire game. I only woke up three times. First was already in the second 'alf, when the Myanmarese or Myanmari or Myanmarian (or whatever the hell you call them) goalkeeper, Kyaw Zin Htet, got sent off with a red card. That was in the 73rd minute, I think.

"What the... is that a watermark?"

Second time I woke up was three minutes later, when James Younghusband scored a goal from a penalty kick.

"I don't think I can do this without my brother."

The other goalkeeper, Ed Sacapano, woke me up to tell me the good news.

ED: Hey Potter!
ME: (yawns) What?
ED: Wake up! We scored a goal!
ME: Yeah? Who scored?
ED: James.
ME: James? Who's James?
ED: James Younghusband.
ME: I thought he pulled a hamstring?
ED: That was Phil.
ME: Phil... James... Whatever. (goes back to sleep)

And finally, the last time I woke up was when the midfielder from Myanmar, Khin Maung Lwin, scored an equalizer. Three minutes into stoppage time. Can you believe that?

And for my last words, I screamed at Etheridge, that he was a lousy goalkeeper, and that Coach Weiss should've put me in. But I did get to sleep, so I guess that's okay.


Ratin': Withheld (It wouldn't be fair to rate somethin' I slept through now, would it?)


You can follow Garry Potter on Twitter and also check out his YouTube videos.


*some info from the Asian Football Confederation
shamelessly watermarked pics from Craig Burrows