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Why do most mutants have blue skin, anyway?

I am probably one of the few Marvel fans that wish the X-Men franchise would wrap up.

The franchise can be divided into two periods: the first would be the Patrick Stewart-Ian McKellen era, the second would be the James McAvoy-Michael Fassbender era. The two eras overlap slightly in 2014's X-Men: Days of Future Past, which for me is also the best film in the whole franchise.

As a kid, I was a Marvel fan, but the X-Men comics were my favourite. I owned The Dark Phoenix Saga compilation (I didn't really own it; I borrowed it from a classmate and never returned it), and I've read it several times before the pages turned brittle and gave up on me. Now that was a great read. I remember how I used to spend hours in my bedroom reading it, occasionally shifting to my drawing book, inspired to try my hand at drawing my own comics.

Okay, enough about that. This isn't a post reminiscing about my childhood.

There is a lot of focus in this film on Charles Xavier's guilt about Jean Grey's childhood. Both of Jean's parents died in a car accident, which was actually her fault. Now imagine a childhood trauma that strong, coupled with an insanely powerful mutant ability. That is a recipe for disaster right there; no wonder Jean Grey turned out as the damaged mutant she is. If this film teaches us any valuable lessons regarding mental health, it is that repressing memories is never good. But that's probably easier said than done.

Mystique's death at the hands of Jean Grey came as a blow to most viewers, but that would of course be a preferable death compared to just some lame gunshot wound to the head or falling off a cliff. Jennifer Lawrence has been the Raven most fans would remember, but only because the original Mystique practically never appeared without make-up. As this is (most probably) the last we'll see of JLaw in this franchise, it's only appropriate that she be given a proper dramatic send-off.

What would have made the Dark Phoenix saga complete was the presence of Wolverine. The unlikely pairing of Jean Grey and Logan is a favourite among comic book fans, and it was referenced in the first X-Men films with Famke Janssen and Hugh Jackman. I don't think it would've worked with Sophie Turner, though, seeing as Jackman is way older than her, and that any romantic tension between both of them would come off as pedophilia.

And finally, let's talk about Hans Zimmer's wonderful score. There's a part in the film's score where you can hear a ticking clock sound, and I thought to myself, "That sounds like Hans Zimmer's Dunkirk score." Turns out I was right. Before this film, Zimmer has only scored DC movies, making this his first foray into Marvel territory. Hopefully this won't be his last.

Too bad we won't be seeing her in the MCU.



Dark Phoenix. USA. 2019.



Original rating: 7.5/10
No Sophie Turner nudity: -0.1
No Jessica Chastain nudity: -0.1
Tye Sheridan looking like he has a VR headset: -0.1
Not enough Nightcrawler: -0.1
Not enough Peter Maximoff: -0.1
Simon Kinberg writing and directing: +0.1
Final rating: 7.1/10
4:40 PM
*Random Thoughts is a new style of reviewing I'm trying out, so this blog can release reviews faster. In case you don't know, reviewing films is time-consuming, and I don't get paid to do this.

"My daddy drives a limo. And decapitates people."

•Great move for Stephen Merchant. Those who don't know him will be surprised to learn that he is one of the greatest comedic minds of the English-speaking world. He's the co-creator of The Office, and the creator and star of HBO's short-lived Hello Ladies. So seeing him in the non-comedic role of Caliban the albino mutant tracker is quite refreshing indeed.

•This is Marvel's most realistic movie to date. Like Batman Begins. Well, you could argue that Captain America: The Winter Soldier was realistic, but I think you got "realistic" confused with "dark and gritty". Of course mutants aren't real, but if they were, this film would probably depict it better than the stylized look and feel of the preceding films in the X-Men franchise.

•I thought Wolverine can't die. I thought his healing factor made him close to immortal, and that there's only a few ways he can actually be killed. So why is he dying in this movie? Adamantium poisoning? Okay, so his healing factor kept the adamantium poison at bay all this time? Sure, I'll buy that. But why did his healing factor fail in the first place?

•What I would've wanted was more of a back story. So this movie takes place in 2029, but how did they end up there? How did Logan get into the limousine business? How did Caliban and Professor X end up in Mexico? I mean, why Mexico? Also, there was no sign of a Mexican-American wall, so does that mean President Trump reneges on his promise to keep the Mexicans out? Or maybe he didn't get reelected? Or does that mean Trump gets impeached?

•Is there some sort of demand for characters like Eleven from Stranger Things? You know, the weird, creepy girl who's actually nice were it not for the circumstances in her life that forced her to become feared as a weapon? I mean, don't get me wrong, Dafne Keen gave a good performance as Laura, even if she spent most of her screen time in silence. She's got that rage-y angst down, and I'm not sure if she's hit puberty yet.

This is actually a very cool costume, in my opinion.

•At one point in the X-Men universe, Charles Xavier was the most powerful mutant in the world. What happened? How was he reduced to this withered old man that Hugh Jackman can carry up a flight of stairs? It seems the Professor is now suffering from Alzheimer's. It's kind of strange that a mind  as powerful as the Professor's can't fend off a mind-debilitating disease. I mean, if I had Charles Xavier's mind, I'd use it to command my cells to regenerate. But I guess that would be a tall order, seeing that he can't even command his legs to walk.

•Boyd Holbrook plays a bad guy in this film. I liked him in Narcos, where he plays a good agent with an even better moustache. Here in Logan, he plays Donald Pierce, the leader of the mutant-hunting gang known as the Reavers, and he sheds off his good guy-image while retaining his facial hair. No, Pierce is not a mutant. He's a cyborg who hates mutants.

•So who is that younger Wolverine? It's probably X-23. Wait, no–X-23 is Laura. This younger Logan is X-24. And to pull this off, director James Mangold utilised the method that's been growing in popularity and will probably be a game-changer in the future, despite the ethics controversy after Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. I'm talking about the use of digital actors. Yes, they used a digital Logan in this one. Actually, for the scenes they were together, sometimes it's X-24 that's CGI, and sometimes it's Old Man Logan. It's just so seamless, you don't know who's who. And that's really how it's supposed to be.

•I noticed that the scene on the highway had trailers/container vans that seemed to drive themselves. Are those for real? They just looked like huge boxes moving across the highway. And also, good job, Professor, for calming the horses down with your mental telepathy. That would make you a...drumroll... horse whisperer. Yeah, I know. That was forced.

•Those kids in North Dakota, are they the New Mutants? You know, because they're new (to the franchise), and they're mutants. But seriously, there's a comic line called The New Mutants. So how do we know these kids are the same New Mutants? Rictor. Yes, that young man who seems to be their leader. Actually, introducing these guys is a set-up to their upcoming spin-off movie. That's right. The New Mutants are getting their own film.

•So while setting the stage for the spin-off franchise, might as well introduce that spin-off's new villain, which would be Dr. Rice, played by Richard E. Grant. Although Dr. Rice plays second fiddle to Boyd Holbrook's main villain, he is by no means still despicable, and we'll probably get to see more of his villainy when the spin-off movie comes out.

"Wait, I haven't done a Rogue-Jean Grey threesome yet."



Logan. USA. 2017.



Original rating: 8.4/10
Not-so-comic book treatment: +0.1
Professor X's powerful seizures: +0.1
Dafne Keen's annoying voice: -0.1
Fat black kid with the power of electricity: +0.1
Logan's death: +0.1
Chrysler limo: +0.1
2:02 PM
"I was kidding... about you not being... blue enough!"
First off, hooray for shooting in 3D. Only a few filmmakers actually opt to shoot their films in the native 3D format, because they think that conversion can save them a lot of money. But shooting in 3D actually shows dimension and depth to the actors' faces, especially with extreme close-ups.

Now down to the nitty-gritty. This movie did not work as effectively as I would've wanted it to. Primarily it's because I slept through some parts. Granted these were very short one-minute power naps, but I slept nonetheless. And that's not a good sign. Any movie that makes me doze off, no matter how short, means it's boring.

The screenplay was penned by Simon Kinberg, who did a great job on the previous flick in this franchise, Days of Future Past. But why was the screenplay for this film not as great? I think it's because Days of Future Past was adapted off an already existing storyline from the comic books, whereas this one was probably just a vehicle used to introduce Apocalypse.

Kinberg said in an interview with IGN:
The thing that we’ve spent the most time talking about is not just the visual execution of the character, which is its own challenge – creating a character that’s the most powerful I think of any mutant villain that we’ve seen in the X-Men movies so far. More powerful than Magneto. The kind of scope and scale we’re talking about is like disaster movie, extinction level event. Sort of Roland Emmerich-style moviemaking, which you’ve never seen in an X-Men movie, or any superhero movie, which I think is exciting.
Yes, this film may be apocalyptic visually, what with all the computer-generated destruction and dust clouds going on, but emotionally, I think it falls short. I didn't get the sense of impending doom, the end of humanity. There seemed to be lacking a sense of urgency. I'm not really sure how this could've been executed better. The only solution I can come up with is they should've based it off an existing storyline. But I said that already.

The only good thing in the story, in my opinion, was the humanisation of Magneto. Having him hide his identity by blending among mortals, saving a co-worker's life in secret, and having his family taken from him, adds so much more gravitas to his character, which I think Michael Fassbender was able to pull off. Anyway, instead of more complaints, here are six characters from the film, and the thoughts that ran through my head as I was watching them.

Apocalypse
Oscar Isaac
Apocalypse a.k.a. En Sabah Nur a.k.a. Unlimited 3D Printer
Oh, Oscar Isaac, you are a damn good actor. Such a pity that your acting prowess wasn't able to shine through all that heavy prosthetics. Also, your character's supposed to be the harbinger of doom, right? The end of the world? But you should be way scarier than you were in the movie. All you did was 3D-print some buildings and stuff. Anyway, I'd blame it on the prosthetics, or on the script, or on Bryan Singer's bad directing. Not on you, because I've been a fan since Inside Llewyn Davis.

Quicksilver
Evan Peters
Evan Peters running away from a contract renewal signing.
Okay, my favourite comic book X-Man is Nightcrawler, but you are my favourite live-action mutant, since you sprung Magneto out of the Pentagon in Days of Future Past. See, in the comics, you kind of look like an old man (but I guess that's because of your hair being silver), and I can never really feel your speed because, you know, comic book drawings don't move, and so I have no idea how fast you can really move. Man, you are insanely quick. I guess that's why they call you Quicksilver.

Psylocke
Olivia Munn
One word, three letters: Fap.
Damn, Olivia Munn. You're still as hot as you were back when I first liked you in Attack of the Show. But the close-up shots where I can see your eyelash extensions bothered me a little. Like, they look really fake. Anyway, when I learned Psylocke was going to be in X-Men: Apocalypse, I was thinking she was going to be Eurasian, like in the comics. So I thought, "Olivia Munn". No other choice. Ten years ago, maybe Lucy Liu? But no, it's got to be Olivia Munn. I used to jack off to Psylocke when I was in grade school. And I used to jack off to Olivia Munn when I was in college. There. Casting choice justified.

Jubilee
Lana Condor
An example of a stereotypical Asian-American in the 80s.
When it comes to Jubilee, you really have to go full Asian. How about casting a Filipina, though? I'm not saying Lana Condor isn't pretty. I'm just saying that if Jubilee isn't going to do any fighting, any martial arts stuff, or any psychedelic light shows that showcase her actual mutant ability, then at least give her some sexy shots. Okay, I'm griping too much.

Angel
Ben Hardy
Just call him Angel of the morning, Angel.
Ben Hardy... any relation to Tom Hardy? None? Okay, so who are you supposed to be really? Are you like the same Angel as in Warren Worthington III? Wasn't he in X-Men: The Last Stand, a.k.a. the third film that everybody hated? This film is set in the 80s, right? And The Last Stand was... 2006? How old are you supposed to be in this film? Like twenties? So if you are indeed Warren Worthington III, then you'd be in your forties in The Last Stand, right? And when Apocalypse gives you metal wings, doesn't that make you Archangel? So you go from Angel to Archangel then back again to Angel in 2006? I'm confused.

Nightcrawler
Kodi Smit-McPhee
So are Nightcrawler, Beast, and Mystique all related? Because, you know, blue?
Okay, are you another timeline anomaly? Weren't you already in X2? And what's up with the teleport restrictions? The comic book Nightcrawler is my favourite X-Man, and as far as I can remember, the only limitations he has with regard to his superpower is he cannot teleport to places he hasn't seen before. If he can see it in his mind, he can go there. So what's up with you not being able to teleport out of an electrified metal cage? That's such a lame attempt to get you to do a cage match with Angel. And I have a problem with your fingers. Each finger should look like a normal human finger, except there's just three on each hand. But your two fingers look fatter than your thumb, which obviously looks like your costume forced you to bunch two fingers together. Yeah, that may be a minor gripe, but I've been bothered by that since X2. I also don't like your hair, but I'll let that slide.

So that's that. More X-Men movies? Yes, please. But better scripts this time. Maybe you can try having the comic book writers do the screenplay? J.K. Rowling's doing it, so might as well give it a go.



X-Men: Apocalypse. USA. 2016.



Original rating: 7 / 10
No Sophie Turner nudity: -0.1
Nightcrawler's fat fingers: -0.1
Not enough blue Beast: -0.1
Quicksilver's mansion sequence: +0.1
James McAvoy's hair extensions: -0.1
No Jennifer Lawrence non-blue nudity: -0.1
Havok: +0.1
Me sleeping at some parts: - 0.05 per minute of sleep x ~4 mins = -0.2
Final rating: 6.5 / 10
7:44 PM
YouTube

The X-Men film franchise is now on its fifth film (2013’s The Wolverine is considered a spin-off, which would make 2009's X-Men Origins: Wolverine a prequel slash spinoff – or a sprinquel, if I may coin the term. What's that? No, I may not coin the term? Okay then.), and Days of Future Past (DoFP, because I love acronyms) is the second film in what we all first thought was a reboot. DoFP ends somewhere before the events of X-Men: The Last Stand, which could actually allow the filmmakers to pretend that third X-Men movie never really happened.

"Yes, I've gained weight, but only because  I actually
never thought we'd be asked to come back. ."
11:43 PM


Because this movie stars Kevin Bacon, who I haven't seen in a long time, I will be reviewing this with "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon".

But first, a short review. First Class takes us back to the sixties, when Charles Xavier had a full head of hair. As far as prequels go, this was executed quite nicely. This was directed by Matthew Vaughn, the one who helmed the film Kick-Ass. The film has a certain darkness to it, but not as dark as Batman Begins or The Dark Knight. That's a different kind of dark. Let's just say this one doesn't try to be all comic book-campy like the Spiderman flicks. I didn't even notice Stan Lee anywhere in the film. Either he was well-hidden, or he didn't make a cameo at all. Oh, and I also love how the training montage pays homage to Ang Lee's Hulk. A lot of people didn't like that. I did, though. But I am quite ashamed to admit it.

Now, let's go to Kevin Bacon. If you're unfamiliar with "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon", it's a game that's really fun to play. Basically, you have to connect Kevin Bacon to any other actor by six degrees. It's kind of difficult to explain, but here's how we play it.

"Can we just get this over with?"
5:37 PM

Two simple words for Astonishing X-Men:

Fucking great.

But since it is so fucking great--that I tried to restrain myself from saying something corny but will now fail for saying "it fucking astonished me"--we will not limit ourselves to two simple words, and try our best to find other synonymous words for "fucking great." And at the same time, refrain from further expletives.

Ajuiorthljsjasofujwkklsjdnflsjlf.f aj wjew,fnw hroweiklacoiweuroqjfal!!!!!!KAJlkjLjalqtoqjqieruPQPOWrjkklew kldhoznzvkjksjkjxflpp[oewruoiwtu.cx;spa[paf!!!!!

Ah, incoherent-ness. Such is the curse of a drooling fangirl.

But first, as usual, disclaimers: As the few imaginary people who have read my previous reviews before already know, I am not a comic book person (which the pretentious ones call graphic novels). I do not claim to scavenge second-hand bookstores for the latest Neil Gaiman or Alan Moore wonders as a kid, nor do I know the difference between characters from Marvel and DC. Of course, I am not completely ignorant of it, for hello, we have Hollywood-versions-that-aim-to-bleed-both-old-and-young-geeks'-pockets-dry. Moreover, my little knowledge of comics came from trying to impress two different girls, one back in high school, and the other back in my early years in college. Needless to say, it was more than unsuccessful--it was downright embarrassing.

Hence, this disclaimer. The only comics I gobbled up as a kid were the local and foreign funnies. One can also count in the Gospy comics at the end of that I-forget-and-never-ever-will-I-want-to-read-that-again magazine they distribute in the homes and schools of good Catholics.

The X-Men I learned from the good old nineties. From the weekly television series and from unrenovated arcades in Cubao that needed only a five-peso coin and a cocky competitor to work. (Nowadays, I think aside from doubled-up prices, the demographic of cocky competitors has grown a bit older. But then again, maybe that's just me. Maybe the younger kids don't have money. Or their parents are the ones playing.)

Point being, I don't have a goddamn clue if the television series, or even the video games, were faithful to the comics. All I know is that I found western Superheroes that I actually liked. I was always leaning towards Japan--Sentais, Sailor Moon, and the hotness of Masked Rider Black. Power Rangers were meh (after a dozen Bioman, Maskman, Jetman, Fiveman, etc. another colorful bunch wasn't really a big deal), Superman was boring, Batman was out-colored by Robin, and Wonder Woman paled nothing to Darna inside my kiddie brain. Oh, Spiderman's okay because my mom likes him (she'll always choose Spiderman when we used to play Marvel vs. DC). X-Men came as a surprise to me. They were weird enough, they were always trash-talking as much as the supervillains, and they also wore colorful costumes.

Also, the government seemed to hate them. The people they were rescuing seemed to hate them. And yet they keep rescuing them.

That struck the self-righteous kid in me.

I would learn to love the X-Men as I grew older but the television networks would give me a hard time trying to watch each episode in order. They kept airing reruns of the same episodes! Even when I was in high school and tried to watch it right in a cable channel, I would still get to watch episodes I've caught when I was younger. They were always about Rogue and Wolverine's angst! Eventually, I got tired, and then hated them both (I also hated Wolverine because everyone loved him and I thought he was just an attention-grabber).

But this is not a review about The Uncanny X-Men (but we'll get to that, I'm finishing the few episodes left. Yay for technology!).

What I was trying to say is that generally, I had fun (even if I ended up hating Rogue and Wolverine). Like what you would hear from every X-Men fan, the characters seemed to have helped its young awkward audience in the murky world of "growing up." Unlike the other mainstream superheroes, these guys, after doing something nice, were either ignored or thrown stones at. And worse! Nobody said thank you!

And yet they keep being nice. Even if fellow mutants hate them as well. They keep being freaking nice. If that's not a very tactical way of instilling "moral lessons" in impressionable kids, then Professor Xavier is a jerk.

Which is exactly what Shadowcat says in the first pages of Astonishing X-Men. And which is exactly what we'll find out as the story progresses. (So much for my lousy attempt at paragraph transitions, right?)

"Professor Xavier is a jerk!" That's exactly how it begins and that's exactly how you know Joss Whedon is hellbent on leaving his fantastic mark: FUNNY. Underline that word. All caps, bold, and italicized. If Joss Whedon is in it and it's not funny, then some popular nitwit company is canceling his shows and has Whedon's loved ones as hostages in chains. That has to be the only explanation.

Joss Whedon never fails to crack a good joke. Each character can execute a sharp wisecrack without losing their separate identities and character tones. Furthermore, he seems to really know his comic book medium and uses every available form or structure (paneling, etc.) to give out a good laugh even without the need of a character to exercise verbal wit. Jokes are everywhere, even in dramatic moments, even in poignant moments. And this comic book undeniably has that too.

Not only because The X-Men already has the perfect formula to bring out these poignant moments, but because the story worked well with the drawings, the colors, and just about everything that should not be forgotten in the form of a comic book. But I have no knowledge of the necessary jargon to articulate everything.

I just know that the artist cracks jokes as much as Whedon does (look out for Wolverine looking funny-pathetic, as everyone's fighting in we're-so-cool-mode while he gets thrown back by this big monster), and the colors complement every mood the story is telling, guiding me quite carefully and accurately into which scene I was diving into. And the storytelling takes out boredom by swiftly jumping from one issue to another.

One has to be fucking capable of handling too many issues at once. There's the authentic mutant "cure", creating confusion, hope, and chaos. There's character conflicts and the ever-eternal unresolved issues in relationships. These would only be a few of the many complications: Former Villain Ms. Frost vs. Shadowcat. Ms. Frost battling the ghost of Jean Grey for Cyclops' love. Beast battling himself. Wolverine providing the cool factor. And Professor X battling a certain ghost of Christmas past.

And an awesome ghost at that. It brings up issues of oppressors oppressing one another. You get a sense of what writers are capable of when they make such fantastic villains.

But let's leave it that, for I've already given away too many spoilers. And my two simple words have already mutated into a thousand. I am forever in debt to the person who lent me this comic book. A comic book that did not need a black leather costume to be edgy and to be taken seriously. And a comic book that resurrected my childhood entertainment of Boom! and Bam! matched with the insights some only associate now with the term "graphic novels", or those supposedly deep, disturbing drawings of surreal horror stories. Astonishing X-Men takes pop to the level that forces its audience to look at the tragedy of society, at the shadows of themselves. A guilty pleasure, I admit, for I am currently trying to figure out how to get a copy of the second volume.



10/10
5:35 PM
Some people question my ability to enjoy a film but still give it a low rating. This is one such film, and I shall explain why.

First, I enjoyed it. End of story. No, it wasn't a waste of money. Wolverine and I go way back. Like fifth grade. No, fourth grade. I've known about his powers and his adamantium skeleton even before I learned to play "More Than Words" on the guitar. So that's it.

And now, why I gave this film a low rating:

1. The opening credits were great, but that back-to-back pose that Logan and Victor did...I mean, Liev Schreiber could've toned down his pose a bit. Just a little bit. And I don't know how to pronounce Liev Schreiber's name. Whenver I talk about him, I refer to him as "that guy from The Manchurian Candidate and Defiance."

2. It's pretty annoying to see Victor (the future Sabertooth) mounting an attack like a jungle cat. The motion is too---how do you say it---unreal. I could actually tell that they did that with bungee cords. I've also made a mental note that to pull that off realistically without resorting to CGI would be to shoot it in Zero G. You know, that zero-gravity aircraft that they train astronauts in. Bungee cords just won't cut it for some types of motions.

3. That scene where there were two cars blocking the road, and Logan's girlfriend did this I-can-control-your-mind-when-I-touch-you thing? Two words: TOO CONTRIVED. The screenwriters could've done better. But then again, screenwriting is hard work. Sorry.

4. Patrick Stewart's makeup was freaky. It was supposed to make him look like Professor X thirty years younger or something, but the result: Failed! Like they injected his face with Botox. Ugh. Why couldn't they do it properly like Benjamin Button?

5. They seem to have made this film for women. Check out the score: Poster boys: four (that's Hugh Jackman, Taylor Kitsch, Daniel Henney, and Ryan Reynolds); hot girls: one (Logan's girlfriend). That's it. Boo.

6. And finally, we all know Wolverine loses his memory somehow, yet how does it really happen? Adamantium bullets to the head. Based on the flimsy theory that a brain concussion may not kill him, but it sure as hell would erase his memory. Lame-O!

So there you have it. It was a superb superhero flick. Makes me want to wait for X-Men Origins: Magneto. Or so I've been told that would be next on the Origins list.


*some info from IMDb
pic from thecia.com.au


X-Men Origins: Wolverine. USA. 2009.


Rating: Six and a half out of ten.



You may also want to read other X-Men reviews such as X-Men: First Class.
7:32 PM
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