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Four Reasons I Didn't Like Rock of Ages

Rock of Ages was basically Grand Theft Auto + Glee. The Vice City franchise, that is. Overall, it was entertaining. It'll make you forget, even for just two hours, about any problems you might have. Partly because the music is so loud you can't hear yourself think. And that's probably intentional on the part of the filmmakers. They want the music so loud so that you couldn't hear yourself think about how stupid you are for watching this.

"Should've watched Kimi Dora 2! Or Boy Pick-Up!"

1. The Love Story Was Meh

"All right, when I say 'action', just look at her teeth!"

What's the secret to a great love story? If you answered sex, sorry, that's not the correct answer, but I like the way you think. Anyway, the secret to a great love story is chemistry. The two characters supposedly in love should exhibit such chemistry, such fire, and such passion between them that no one would doubt they were really in love. But in this movie, the chemistry between Drew (Diego Boneta) and Sherrie (Julianne Hough) was... drumroll... zero. My dog and my cat have more chemistry, and they hate each other.

Zero chemistry even in wacky shots.

2. The Anachronisms

First of all, good job to me for using the word "anachronism" for the first time ever in writing. I've always wanted to use that word, but when you do use that word, you'd have to follow up with a discussion, because people will go "Huh?"

"Yeah... wha'ever, man."

An anachronism is basically anything that is chronologically out of place. I'll give you an example. At the start of the film, it is established that the events take place in 1987. Okay, so what're they doing singing "More Than Words", which came out in 1990? I would also include "Paradise City", which was released as a single in 1988, although the album it comes from, Appetite for Destruction, came out in '87. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" too was released in '88, but since it's sung in the latter part of the film, it could be argued that a year has passed already since the start of the film, thus making it '88 in the film's chronology.

"Wait, I still didn't get that anachronism thing... "

3. The Gay Angle

"It's gay time!"

While I've got nothing against gays on film, in my opinion, the gay angle was totally unnecessary. It's just one of those Hollywood trends where playing a gay character will look good on one's resumé. That said, Russell Brand can be convincingly gay without even trying. Alec Baldwin, not so much. And the kiss, man, the kiss. It made me shudder.

Catherine Zeta Jones wants less kissing and more ball-squeezing.

4. Tom Cruise's Aging Body

Don't get me wrong─I loved Tom Cruise's performance. I just didn't like seeing his body magnified like that on the big screen. You could tell that Cruise already had old-man skin. Yeah, you know that when you touch his skin, it's probably soft. But it's not baby-soft. It's grampa-soft. You know what I mean?

"Come on! Reach out and touch it!"

I did love some things about the movie, though. I loved the mash-ups. I loved Catherine Zeta Jones and Mary J. Blige. I loved Paul Giamatti, and his clever decision not to sing too much. And I also loved the fact that everyone sang using their own voices. Including Stacee Jaxx.


If you want a more detailed review, you can check out this one from my friend at Inquirer Libre. Or you can watch the stage musical, which they are saying is a whole lot better than the film version. But don't take my word for it. Check it out for yourself.

Rock of Ages. USA. 2012.

Rating: Five out of ten.

Additional information from Wikipedia


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