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Iron Man 3, or How to Bleed a Franchise Dry



Through this movie, I shall be teaching you "How to Bleed a Franchise Dry".

1. First, let everyone know that the studio owns the brand, not the actors. Any actor is basically expendable. And yes, I still have hang-ups over Don Cheadle replacing Terrence Howard.

Yeah, just stay in that armor, so I can imagine it's still Terrence Howard.

2. Second, bring in a new female character. Make her hot enough to be a potential love interest, but not hot enough for people to expect her in another sequel. Because there won't be one.

Rebecca Hall's legs look great in short shorts and sneakers.

3. Third, no sex. No nudity. Not even partial nudity. Have you seen the lines on Gwyneth Paltrow's face whenever the camera moves for a close-up? Exactly.

Sorry, no robot on human sex here.

4. Fourth, even if this third installment has a relatively new (a.k.a. unknown) director, make sure that the previous director has a cameo in there. This is to make it appear that it has a sort of stamp of approval from Jon Favreau. (Stan Lee's cameo has no bearing on whether a Marvel flick is good or bad.)

"Actually, I'm just in this for the money."

5. Fifth, reference Downton Abbey. Because Iron Man is not just for nerds and geeks. It's for wusses, too. (Just kidding. I love Downton Abbey.)

I have a strong feeling this was Favreau's idea.

6. Sixth, put in an adorable kid (whose career will probably not take off).

"Just don't grow up to be like me, kid."

7. Seventh, since this is hopefully the last film of the franchise, give the audience what they want: Iron Men. Lots of them. Throw in a fat Iron Man as well.

I guess they're like Green Lanterns, but made of iron?

8. And lastly, since you basically drained the franchise of everything good, throw in Sir Ben Kingsley in there to save the day.

"There's a reason why I don't look Asian." (LOL spoilers!)

Iron Man 3. USA. 2013.

Original rating: 6.9 / 10
Ben Kingsley's performance: + 0.5
Under-utilizing Guy Pearce's performance: - 0.3
Not showing enough of Rebecca Hall's legs: - 0.2
Ty Simpkins's annoying cuteness: + 0.05
Robert Downey, Jr.'s classic quips: + 0.05
Casting James Badge Dale a.k.a. that guy from The Pacific: + 0.1
Referencing Downton Abbey: + 0.1
Final rating: 7.2 / 10

You might also want to check out the reviews of Iron Man and Iron Man 2.

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