Iron Man 3, or How to Bleed a Franchise Dry

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*PISS OFF IF YOU HATE SPOILERS*

Through this movie, I shall be teaching you "How to Bleed a Franchise Dry".

1. First, let everyone know that the studio owns the brand, not the actors. Any actor is basically expendable. And yes, I still have hang-ups over Don Cheadle replacing Terrence Howard.

Incoherent Boy

Yeah, just stay in that armor, so I can imagine it's still Terrence Howard.

The Avengers

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Da Couch Tomato was given the privelege to interview the Avengers. Not the actual characters, of course, but the actors who played them. However, since we are a Third World blog, they granted us only one question for each actor. The nerve. Anyway, we made the most of it.

Robert Downey, Jr.¹

Iron Man

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"I should've registered "Genius, Billionaire,
Playboy, Philantrophist" as a trademark."

Who is the alpha male in the group?
Tony Stark, of course. An alpha male is someone who provides the pack their food, their shelter, their basic needs. I'm that guy. Also, I'm the only one with a kissing scene─with Gwyneth Paltrow. I mean, come on.

But on the other hand, if I were really the alpha male, I would've gotten a kissing scene with Scarlett Johansson as well. All right, that's going into the contract for the Avengers sequel.

Contagion

This is another one of those films which I watched without having any idea about it whatsoever. Any preliminary impressions I might have had came from the title alone.

This film was also produced by Image Nation, which is a company based in Abu Dhabi. So I believe we can expect Arab wealth to find its way into Hollywood in the near future.

So anyway, my first thought was, "Contagion? Sounds like some sort of virus. Maybe it's a zombie movie or something." Because that's typically how zombie movies start. There's some sort of killer virus in the beginning, then it begins to mutate and spread, then brat-tat-tat-tat, you get machine gun fire, then blood and gore, and before you know it, it's a full-blown zombie apocalypse.

But not this film.

Yes, this one's about a virus, and a killer virus at that. Except this one centers on the human drama. Well, not just centers, but more of focuses entirely on the human drama. What happens when a killer virus strikes? How does humanity react? And this chronicles humanity's reaction on all levels. The plot absolutely does not take a zombie apocalypse direction.

What makes this film work as a drama is the extremely talented ensemble. This is like a Dream Team for the acting department. Here are the starters (in alphabetical order), who all have Acadamy Award trophies which they can use to bash your head in.

Marion Cotillard

She is so beautiful, she looks great
in any hairstyle.

Matt Damon

(who by the way does not have an acting Oscar)

"I don't care."

Gwyneth Paltrow

"Asdajijcapemajapinc"

and

Kate Winslet

"Hmm?"

Next we have two reserves, who have no Oscar trophies, but who have been nominated at some point in their lives.

Laurence Fishburne

Morpheus can whoop your ass
while drinking coffee.

and

Jude Law

"I was nominted twice."

By the time the film ended, which was when everyone had the cure injected up their nasal cavity, I thought "Well, this is a pretty decent film. It's quite good, actually." And then the end credits flash.

Okay. That explains everything.

And on a final note: Jennifer Ehle has a very pretty face.

"I know, right?"

Contagion. USA/UAE. 2011.


Rating: Seven point nine out of ten.




*some info from IMDb

Iron Man 2

I want Terence Howard.

Not "want" in a sexual way. "Want" like I-think-Terence-Howard-would-be-better-than-Don-Cheadle way.

Not that I have anything against Don Cheadle. He's a great actor. But I just have problems with continuity. I really can't stand it when film franchises change actors midstream. I can only forgive actor changes when the cause of change was death. Like what they did with Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, or the Oracle in The Matrix Revolutions.

Anyway, the story was...bleh. I was expecting something flashier. I mean, it's Iron Man, come on. He's like the coolest non-superpower super hero since Batman. And yet, this film seemed to be wanting in action sequences. Not a great way to start the Hollywood summer line-up.

So since I can't find anything to nitpick story-wise, I'll just pick on the actors.

Robert Downey, Jr.: In the words of the great Stan Lee, "'Nuff said." Robert Downey, Jr. equals Iron Man. Period.

Don Cheadle: Sorry, but I still want Terrence Howard.

Gwyneth Paltrow: I sincerely believe she genuinely enjoys playing Pepper Potts. Maybe she gets a real kick out of it. Who knows.

Scarlett Johansson: Yum. Okay, let me say that again. YUM.

Samuel L. Jackson: How many movies does he plan to make before he retires? Does he plan to surpass Christopher Lee's record? I hope not.

Sam Rockwell: I was genuinely entertained by Mr. Rockwell's performance. Bravo.

Mickey Rourke: I salute Mr. Rourke for the effort he put into this role. His Russian accent is more than an accent, as he has even captured the grammatical errors. Good job, Mr. Rourke.

Jon Favreau: I would've normally criticized him for having a small role in his own movie. But of course, directors are gods, and they can do whatever they want. And he was funny, by the way. So he is hereby forgiven.

So again, special effects are top-notch. But the story was so-so. But watch it, anyway, especially if you loved Iron Man, the first film.

And I still want Terrence Howard.


*some info from IMDb
pic from newsoftheworld.co.uk


Iron Man 2. USA. 2010.


Original Rating: Seven out of ten.
Using Don Cheadle instead of Terrence Howard: Two out of ten.

Iron Man

Iiiiiiiirrrrrooooooonn Maaaaaaannn...

That is the proper way to say it. Your voice should warble, and it should sound like it's coming out of a tin can.

Where else can you start but with Robert Downey, Jr. Mr. Iron Man himself. Every review you read will praise his performance. I would too, but I'd just be repeating what those other critics said. Director Jon Favreau made a real smart move in casting Downey as Tony Stark, as the personal journey of Robert Downey Jr. is said to be very similar to the one Tony Stark undergoes. But that's just trivia. Downey's performance is great. Period.

Jeff Bridges is almost unrecognizable as the bald Obadiah Stane, and Terrence Howard, who plays the future War Machine, gives the right amount of comic relief without resorting to cheap slapstick. In fact, everything in Iron Man is just right; nothing too fancy, and nothing too dry either. Just perfect. Even Gwyneth Paltrow, who you wouldn't expect to see in a Marvel flick, just delivers really well.

Catch Stan Lee's usual cameo here (he plays a Hugh Hefner look-alike). Better yet, catch the movie while it's on the big screen. I'm sure that after watching this, most of the guys would start growing their goatees. Tony Stark really leaves an impression. He's a great superhero, but he still retains that bit of a jerk in him. And believable superheroes are what viewers are looking for nowadays.

This is Marvel Entertainment's first project, and what a great start it is for them. And this is definitely not the last, as there are several great titles already lined up. Just a tip to the audience: stay until the credits stop rolling. There's a surprise at the end.


Rating: Four stars.