Transformers: Dark of the Moon. 3D

Lens flare courtesy of J.J. Abrams.

This will be a different kind of review. We're doing this Transoformers-style. (What?)

So, Autobots are GOOD. Decepticons are BAD.

That's all you need to know. Now here we go.

OPTIMUS PRIME

AUTOBOT

A.k.a. "The Franchise"

Optimus Prime is the best Prime. Ever. Because Peter Cullen is the voice of God, and Optimus Prime speaks with Peter Cullen's voice, then Optimus Prime is God.

SHIA LaBEOUF

AUTOBOT

Shia getting fit for future action roles.

Shia is a good actor, no matter what other critics say. Yes, he does specialize in slapstick. But this is a Michael Bay film. Come on.

MR. and MRS. WITWICKY

DECEPTICONS

Couldn't find a pic of them in this movie.
So here they are from Revenge of the Fallen,
where they are no less annoying.

Frankly, they are annoying. Especially the mother. Honestly, you could scratch their parts out and save screen time. Which Michael Bay could use for more explosions.

SOUNDWAVE

AUTOBOT

Soundwave, according to Google search.

Ooooohhh. Soundwave. For fans who've been waiting to hear Soundwave's voice, you will not be disappointed. You will recognize that soothing 80s Soundwave voice we all grew up with. It's nostalgic.

JOHN MALKOVICH

AUTOBOT

"By the way, John, I love your hair."

I've always loved John Malkovich, even if he does seem to always speak in that slightly annoying manner. But he is hilarious, no question about that.

PATRICK DEMPSEY

DECEPTICON

McWhat-the-hell-are-you-lookin'-at

He didn't really do any acting, unless trying to get the ladies wet by smiling can be considered acting. Plus, anyone who's better-looking than me is a Decepticon.

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY

AUTOBOT

She has a British accent.

She's hot. If Cameron Diaz and Rachel Weisz got married, then one of them had a sex change, then they fornicated and the other one got pregnant and gave birth, the child would be Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

JOHN TURTURRO

AUTOBOT

"I make car-seat-leather jackets look good."

Turturro has been consistently great in all three Transformers films. And should there be a fourth one (God forbid), then he should be in there, too.

WHEELJACK

DECEPTICON

"I look like a creepy robot Albert Einstein."

When we were kids, and we pretended to be Transformers, I would always be Wheeljack, because I wasn't the alpha male, and because I was the smartest. What the filmmakers did with Wheeljack here is insulting. He's ugly. He's got stupid hair, and a stupid accent. And he's ugly.

SENTINEL PRIME

DECEPTICON

"I sound like Mr. Spock."

He was voiced by Leonard Nimoy. But what they should've done was kill off Megatron in the second film, then bring him back as Galvatron in this film, then let Leonard Nimoy voice him. Sorry, I just loved the animated film so much.

FRANCES McDORMAND

AUTOBOT

"I've got bills to pay."

Frances McDormand's presence in this film takes away the "Only Girl in a Sea of Testosterone" title from Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. And she does great, by the way. Although she does act a bit mannish. But that's her.

BUZZ ALDRIN

AUTOBOT

Buzz Aldrin pick-up line: Wanna see my giant leap?

Shia LaBeouf is an Autobot. And Autobots don't hang out with Decepticons. So according to this picture, by association, Buzz Aldrin is an Autobot. I heard even Optimus Prime peed in his pants when he came face-to-face with Buzz Aldrin.

and finally...

MICHAEL BAY

DECEPTICON

"So I yell, 'Action!' and then kaboom! Then Josh runs there, then kaboom! Then the Autobots arrive here, then kaboom! Then Shia runs over there, then kaboom! Then the Decepticons arrive, then kaboom!"

Mr. Bay, if you can spend thousands of hours of rendering time on hyper-realistic metal robots, couldn't you have spent even a couple of hundred hours for even just semi-realistic faces of past US presidents? Because honestly, they looked like shit.

And now, just a short comment on the 3D. (You can skip this part if you like.)

Michael Bay does not know 3D. Honestly, the best stereography for me is still Avatar. I think the ideal scenario would be to have a director who knows 3D better than the stereographer. Such is the case with James Cameron. And such is not the case with Michael Bay.

Michael Bay does not know how to pace his 3D. The 3D should intensify along with the action. The more intense the action, the greater the 3D effect.

Also, I read that for some shots that required super-slow motion (but still retaining the high resolution), they just shot in 2D then converted it. Boo.



*some info from IMDb
pics from YouTube, All Movie Photo, Deviant Art, Spotlight Report, Star Clipper, Absolute Fiction, Prntscreen, Cinema Blend, TQN here, here, here and here, TF Wiki, Screen Crave, Ace Showbiz, and IMDb



Transformers: Dark of the Moon. USA. 2011.


Rating: Seven out of ten.
3D-ness: Six out of ten.



You may also want to check out Sue Denim's review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Or you could read the reviews of Transformers and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Or you could read the review of the 1986 animated film.

Transformers: Dark of The Moon

Before you watch─or if you've watched it already─before you give praise or slam Transformers: Dark of the Moon, consider the following points first:

Shut it first and read.

The movie is about the Transformers, as the title implies, referring to the Autobots and Decepticons. It's not a movie about Sam Witwicky or Sam and Bumblebee. It's also not about the love story of Sam and Carly. Please stop fussing about the lack of human character development. It is supposed to be about them steel cars that transform into robots and whatever technology from their home planet Cybertron that makes them seem alive. Humans take a back seat, and let them hoard the spotlight.

Size matters in this movie. Deal with it.

It's the third installment of the series. A lot of critics have said that the more sequels a franchise produces, the worse it becomes. So don't complain too much after watching the film; you have been warned. Also, you're likely to see all the semi-significant characters of the franchise even for just a few minutes and even if the plot can do without them. You'll still likely watch the fourth installment, if ever there would be one—yes, even if it seems impossible for the dead to come to life again. But let's hope they stay dead this time.

When he grows up to be him, that's the fourth sequel.

It's a special effects-bombarded blockbuster movie about cars that transform into robots. Expect a hot woman character in the film. More than 90 percent of the film's target audience is male (I was the only girl waiting in line for tickets). In this genre, women could be reduced to lips─er, um─sugar, spice and everything nice. That, or a pseudo-strong feisty one who just sits through the action. Testosterone levels soar, but there's a need for a lady to save or a lady to bend a knee in admiration.

How come I didn't see you actually drive this sweet car? Boo.

It's a movie directed by Michael Bay. Hence, all logic should be suspended unless proven otherwise. Bay is an accomplished blockbuster film director who delivered some of the best kick-ass, eardrum-damaging, and fucking-shit-"Whoa!" stunts, explosions, and effects on the big screen. But he's not very tight-knit on story lines. So if you feel like blurting, "What the?" "Where did that come from?" "I thought blah-blah-blah," your argument is invalid. Watch the movie again and try to analyze it if you wish to kill time, or get a headache.

The Terminator meets the thing Neo of The Matrix was at war with.

Um, I'm pretty sure you catch my drift already.

All that said, I think the third installment has the most promising story line. Transformers: Dark of the Moon was more thought of and has more heart not just from the human factor but from the Transformers themselves, even though some of them are still more annoying than cute. Also, Mr. Spock held his own alongside Mr. Cullen—Peter Cullen, that is (and a different kind of shimmering steel).

The number of Star Trek puns in this movie equals Leonard Nimoy.

For how little parts the humans played: I don't think it was established how serious Sam (Shia LaBeouf) and Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whitey) are or how good their chemistry is. Lebeuof is still himself. But I have to give credit for his eyes conveying more of his character's emotions than his mouth. Honestly, he just mainly rattles his lines and shouts. Huntington-Whitely, on the other hand, put to good use her Victoria's Secret Angel-ness and her accent, but nothing more. (Megan Fox kicked more ass. I guess they went for a Cinderella-in-distress female lead this time rather than a Lara Croft incarnate). Frances McDormand and John Turturro are a nice relief at the sidelines. I'll forgive Tyrese Gibson and Josh Duhamel's diminished screen time. It's really hard to hate Patrick "McDreamy" Dempsey. I like Former Agent Simmon's all-around sidekick Dutch (Alan Tudyk, A Knight's Tale) more than John Malkovich's, um... what's his role really?

Little roles. Little time. Big double yum yum.

The special effects are clearly an up credit, though it wouldn't have hurt if they paid more attention to JFK and Nixon's look-a-likes; the whole movie is practically filled with special effects anyway. But I still don't get how the Transformers look polished and painted steel in car form only to transform into rusty-looking robots. Or that Carly's white top always looks clean and white amidst a world of gray and black. Or how humans are could be completely obliterated except for their skulls. Or how... okay, nevermind.

She's easier to spot and save or sweep off her feet.

Transformers: Dark of The Moon gets a six out of ten, for giving the the franchise a reason to keep its chin leveled after its predecessor buried it in deep shit.



*photos from screencaps of the trailer, daemonsmovies, static.tvguide.com, collider.com, and onlinemovieshut.com



You may also want to check out Sting Lacson's review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Or you could read the reviews of Transformers and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Or you could read the review of the 1986 animated film.

The Transformers: The Movie

This was the original movie, way before Michael Bay's version.

Okay, I'll admit, this film makes me nostalgic. It takes me back to the days when conversations on the afternoon school bus revolved around the Transformers, G.I. Joe, and other eighties cartoons. And especially the soundtrack--not only does it sound like authentic eighties rock, it IS authentic eighties rock.

The animation is excellent in some parts, and sucks in some. Well, what would you expect? This film didn't have the same resources as a Disney animated film. But you would still appreciate the technical excellence that went into each of the individual cells. That's Japanese animation for you.

This film, by the way, provided the crossover between the old Autobots (those from the original cartoon series) and the series two Autobots. And to legitimize the rule of Rodimus Prime, they had to kill off Optimus Prime. And this broke many children's hearts back in the day.

Anyway, this film was an innovator in the realm of voice acting. It was the first animated film to use big names as voice actors. Check this out: Eric Idle as Wreck-Gar, Judd Nelson as Hot Rod, Leonard Nimoy as Galvatron, Robert Stack as Ultra Magnus, and...wait for it...wait for it...Orson Welles as Unicron. Yes, the Orson Welles, boy genius. This was way before Disney's Aladdin signed on Robin Williams to play the Genie. And of course, we all know now that voice actors have to be big name stars for an animated film to sell at the box office. The only exception, of course, is Pixar, who can manage box office success without a famous name on the microphone.

PS: I am the only one who noticed the sexual tension between Hot Rod and Arcee?


*some info from IMDb
pic from blog.analogmedium.com


The Transformers: The Movie. USA. 1986.


Rating: Seven out of ten.
Nostalgia factor: Nine out of ten.




You may also want to check out the review of Transformers and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Or you could read the reviews of Transformers: Dark of the Moon here and here.