Total Recall (2012)

(Comicbook.com)

I don't remember much of the original Schwarzenegger film. I've always liked Colin Farrell in action movies, whether he's the good guy or the bad guy, but my expectations for remakes is always a tad lower.

Underworld: Awakening

Vampires shouldn't need guns. Seriously.

Clearly, Underworld is a franchise trying to revive itself after the last film’s "meh" reception. Boasting a 3D release adds to prove that fact.

The very core of this film's marketing strategy is to give the fans what they want. Those who ditched and dissed the third installment (the prequel) are probably all back if only to stare and ogle at the delightful sight of the goddess that is Kate Beckinsale.

I think this photo speaks for itself.

Although I believe Beckinsale has more talent than what her character, vampire Selene, requires, she still rocks the bad-ass vampire warrior in a tight-fitting leather suit, corset, and almost-knee-high boots.

I have to give her props for just being able to move in that outfit.

The video montage recap and voiceover is really to get over the last films, kind of telling audiences to treat this as some kind of a reboot. And to a point, Underworld Awakening was promising: a hybrid offspring longing for parental love is out in the world—a different world from the old films—where vampires and werewolves are now hunted, killed, and forced into exile or a life of hiding.

Yes, she's a hybrid. I wonder if we'll see her in tight leather or just naked blue next time?

But it pains me to say that when the end credits rolled, I was left wanting. I didn’t see it in 3D but I think the film—like other franchises that got on the 3D bandwagon—focused on giving the audience an awesome visual experience that watching it in regular cinemas largely devalues its overall appeal. Add to that some plot inconsistencies and very thin supporting characters, and the film really comes up short.

Cute and younger, but no.

Charles Dance's Lord Tywin Lannister is not pleased.

I have a soft spot for Underworld, especially the first two movies that I admit are really more box-office stuff than some Oscar bets. I hope in the next film they put more weight in the plot and developing its characters. And perhaps, less guns.


Underworld Awakening get a five point five out of ten for the much appreciated effort and, really, just Kate Beckinsale.



*screencaps by VLC

Everybody's Fine

This movie made me cry. And not just watery-eyed crying. I mean like real, non-stop sobbing crying. Like a sissy.

And because it made me cry, it means it's good. I cried toward the last part. And it takes a lot to make me cry. And since this film succeeded in doing that, it means that the storytelling was damn effective. It built up everything from the beginning, then continued to sustain the emotion, then in the end─boom!─let the tears fall down. Beautiful.

Robert De Niro does a great performance, simply because he didn't act like a tough gangster, which is the character that he can't seem to shake off. Well, he's growing old, and he's talented, so give him a break. He pulled off the lonely American parent perfectly. All I could do was feel sorry for him, and for American parents in general. Filipino parents have it waaaay better.

Kate Beckinsale is still hot. Although I think she's looking more and more anorexic. But she's still hot. And she didn't get enough screen time for me to soak in her hotness.

Sam Rockwell, I haven't seen you in a long time. And I have a feeling you'll be making a comeback.

Drew Barrymore, you're still cute. That's all I can say. And you're acting wasn't bad.

So if you watch this, and you find yourself crying, and someone asks you why you're crying, just answer, "I'm fine. Everybody's fine."

(The line above is an example of how NOT to end a review. I just forced it. So there.)


*some info from IMDb
pic from chicagomaroon.com


Everybody's Fine. USA. 2009 (2010 Philippines).


Original rating: Eight out of ten.
Tear-jerker scene: Plus point two.
Kate Beckinsale's hotness: Plus point three.
Kate Beckinsale's anorexia: Minus point one.
Final rating: Eight point four out of ten.

Vacancy

Vacancy starts with Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale bitching about raccoons and squirrels. They drive into unfamiliar roads because people who bitch about raccoons and squirrels are probably lost and probably idiots. Eventually, they stumble into a cheap motel with complete stereotypes of Hi-I'm-Your-Friendly-Mechanic! and It-Is-I-The-Annoying-Motel-Manager-With-A-Moustache!

After fooling around with my movie buddy during the first fifteen minutes of boring character and plot building of the film, we hushed down to let the creepy set in. The couple eventually found tapes of strangers killing different people inside this certain room. They of course, eventually realize that this certain room is the room they're staying in. Loud knocking from doors to walls ensues, with no one out there to answer. The phone rings. Again, no one answers. The lights flicker on and off. The camera lightly but urgently shakes. The audience gets to see random images of screaming victims from the tape and fearful faces of Wilson and Beckinsale. The camera continues its light and urgent shaking. Then, everything goes dark.

Yummy classic stuff.

However, after the yummy stuff, I go back to fooling around with my movie buddy. For after being chased around inside the room by masked strangers who keep them from escaping, they manage to huddle in a corner and reflect about their dilemma. "What do you think they're doing?" Beckinsale asks. "I think they're enjoying themselves." Wilson answers.

How... existentialist.

And you know it's only going to suck more as the camera zooms out, we see the couple on a TV screen, and then we see the back of Mr. Moustache Manager. We shall call him Pringles from this point on (just for the heck of a shorter nickname). So anyhow, we see Pringles watch his recent little victims and all that is missing is a burst of evil mwahahahahaha.

I abhor Pringles. I believe he is the main reason why this movie went downhill to hell. First of all, you don't show the face of the psycho villain until you get to almost the end of the flick. Second, Pringles and his masked minions should be smarter for people who already videotaped thousands of their killings. They shouldn't have killed that policeman. The cops would send back other cops to investigate, freaking newbies. Thirdly, a villain who talks a lot is not scary. And really, Pringles is not even witty. If I were his victim, I would have immediately thought of going for the gun hanging on the wall in his reception area and shoot his annoying mouth shut.

Beckinsale did well. For that bitchy damsel in distress. The one who drops her cellphone while running (parallel to those damsels who always, always broke the heel of their shoe once they needed to run away like hell from the killers). The one who whines but does not actually do anything to help her husband. The one who cries. The one who breaks down because she has a flashback of their dead son, and how she is so sorry that the couple are going through a divorce, and then they both french kiss and make up, and then they almost have sex except they couldn't because there are strangers out to kill them, unless they invite the killers, and that would have been cool because orgies are cool. If it's still not obvious, I like unfunny sex jokes. Also, Beckinsale looks more boring than a doorknob in this movie.

I found Luke Wilson cute in this movie. Even if I could not stop cracking jokes about his nose, he did very well with the little character they gave him. They tried making him smart, just a little bit. Wilson tries reviewing the tapes to spot flaws and find out where the killers attack from. He's the one who figures out that there's a trap door on the floor. He's the one who rips a part of his girl's shirt and leaves it hanging on the window to mislead the bad guys. He's the one who instructs his girl what to do. He's the Manly Husband. Who gets stabbed, left bleeding on the floor for one night, but miraculously wakes up alive in the end. He's Superman.

I didn't really expect much from Vacancy. From the font of the title to its music, it wasn't pretending to be anything but a usual suspense, cooked to deliver a jump-out-of-your-seats flick. But we stayed in our seats. We ended up being like Beckinsale who kept whining and whining after the movie. It's probably the fact that it had a good premise, an almost good start. What destroyed it was the fact that Wilson, Beckinsale, and Pringles never seemed to have watched a single suspense flick in their entire lives.


2/10