Da Couch Tomato

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HBO
"Ugh."
There is only one free Stark left in Westeros. Ned and Catelyn and first-born Robb are dead, Rickon is in the Bolton’s custody, Arya has no name, and Bran is beyond the Wall (if we consider north of the Wall as outside of Westerosi jurisdiction). And that one Stark is Sansa. Jon Snow is of course a biological Stark, but legally a bastard, and cannot exercise any claim over Winterfell. And that one Stark has just stood up to the devious Littlefinger, although she still seems to have trust issues with her half-brother.

Arya’s training doesn’t seem to be going well. She still has a lot of questions; not the mark of good soldier. And clearly she hasn’t completely relinquished her name, because memories of her Stark life still stir up emotions in her. I think we can cut her some slack. Witnessing your father's beheading can be quite traumatic, and anyone who can come out of that unscarred is either an emotionless rock or a White Walker.

Elections in the Iron Isles aren’t all that impressive. Ascension to the Salt Throne isn’t determined by blood. It’s determined by cheering and applause. And the winning candidate is inaugurated by surviving an attempted murder by drowning. No wonder the Greyjoy siblings fled after their uncle Euron was crowned. They’re probably off to another land with a better system of succession of leadership.

HBO
And better crowns.
The drama between Jorah Mormont and Daenerys Targaryen is quite touching. Twice banished, twice returned. I feel for Ser Jorah, of course. His loyalty is unwavering, his love unrequited, and his disease unpleasant.

Who is this new face in Meereen? Another red woman? But her hair’s not red. Another witch of the Lord of Light? Too bad she didn’t show us any magic yet. I’m curious as to whether all Lord of Light magic is as powerful as Melisandre’s. And I am doubly curious as to what the mysterious voice said to Varys when his cock was cut off.

HBO
"I look like Rachel Weisz, but not as pretty. And no relation to DB Weiss."
Things are actually more interesting now north of the Wall. The biggest surprise isn’t really finding out how the first White Walker looked like before he became the Night King, neither was it how he was turned in the first place, nor the fact that the Night King can interact with Bran’s warg state. Second only to the origin of Hodor’s hodor, the biggest surprise here is that Game of Thrones, this television show that millions love, has just added another genre to its multi-genre classification: time travel. And yes, I would like to see more of this please. Make it happen, Messrs. Benioff and Weiss.

HBO
And less of this, please.

"I was kidding... about you not being... blue enough!"
First off, hooray for shooting in 3D. Only a few filmmakers actually opt to shoot their films in the native 3D format, because they think that conversion can save them a lot of money. But shooting in 3D actually shows dimension and depth to the actors' faces, especially with extreme close-ups.

Now down to the nitty-gritty. This movie did not work as effectively as I would've wanted it to. Primarily it's because I slept through some parts. Granted these were very short one-minute power naps, but I slept nonetheless. And that's not a good sign. Any movie that makes me doze off, no matter how short, means it's boring.

The screenplay was penned by Simon Kinberg, who did a great job on the previous flick in this franchise, Days of Future Past. But why was the screenplay for this film not as great? I think it's because Days of Future Past was adapted off an already existing storyline from the comic books, whereas this one was probably just a vehicle used to introduce Apocalypse.

Kinberg said in an interview with IGN:
The thing that we’ve spent the most time talking about is not just the visual execution of the character, which is its own challenge – creating a character that’s the most powerful I think of any mutant villain that we’ve seen in the X-Men movies so far. More powerful than Magneto. The kind of scope and scale we’re talking about is like disaster movie, extinction level event. Sort of Roland Emmerich-style moviemaking, which you’ve never seen in an X-Men movie, or any superhero movie, which I think is exciting.
Yes, this film may be apocalyptic visually, what with all the computer-generated destruction and dust clouds going on, but emotionally, I think it falls short. I didn't get the sense of impending doom, the end of humanity. There seemed to be lacking a sense of urgency. I'm not really sure how this could've been executed better. The only solution I can come up with is they should've based it off an existing storyline. But I said that already.

The only good thing in the story, in my opinion, was the humanisation of Magneto. Having him hide his identity by blending among mortals, saving a co-worker's life in secret, and having his family taken from him, adds so much more gravitas to his character, which I think Michael Fassbender was able to pull off. Anyway, instead of more complaints, here are six characters from the film, and the thoughts that ran through my head as I was watching them.

Apocalypse
Oscar Isaac
Apocalypse a.k.a. En Sabah Nur a.k.a. Unlimited 3D Printer
Oh, Oscar Isaac, you are a damn good actor. Such a pity that your acting prowess wasn't able to shine through all that heavy prosthetics. Also, your character's supposed to be the harbinger of doom, right? The end of the world? But you should be way scarier than you were in the movie. All you did was 3D-print some buildings and stuff. Anyway, I'd blame it on the prosthetics, or on the script, or on Bryan Singer's bad directing. Not on you, because I've been a fan since Inside Llewyn Davis.

Quicksilver
Evan Peters
Evan Peters running away from a contract renewal signing.
Okay, my favourite comic book X-Man is Nightcrawler, but you are my favourite live-action mutant, since you sprung Magneto out of the Pentagon in Days of Future Past. See, in the comics, you kind of look like an old man (but I guess that's because of your hair being silver), and I can never really feel your speed because, you know, comic book drawings don't move, and so I have no idea how fast you can really move. Man, you are insanely quick. I guess that's why they call you Quicksilver.

Psylocke
Olivia Munn
One word, three letters: Fap.
Damn, Olivia Munn. You're still as hot as you were back when I first liked you in Attack of the Show. But the close-up shots where I can see your eyelash extensions bothered me a little. Like, they look really fake. Anyway, when I learned Psylocke was going to be in X-Men: Apocalypse, I was thinking she was going to be Eurasian, like in the comics. So I thought, "Olivia Munn". No other choice. Ten years ago, maybe Lucy Liu? But no, it's got to be Olivia Munn. I used to jack off to Psylocke when I was in grade school. And I used to jack off to Olivia Munn when I was in college. There. Casting choice justified.

Jubilee
Lana Condor
An example of a stereotypical Asian-American in the 80s.
When it comes to Jubilee, you really have to go full Asian. How about casting a Filipina, though? I'm not saying Lana Condor isn't pretty. I'm just saying that if Jubilee isn't going to do any fighting, any martial arts stuff, or any psychedelic light shows that showcase her actual mutant ability, then at least give her some sexy shots. Okay, I'm griping too much.

Angel
Ben Hardy
Just call him Angel of the morning, Angel.
Ben Hardy... any relation to Tom Hardy? None? Okay, so who are you supposed to be really? Are you like the same Angel as in Warren Worthington III? Wasn't he in X-Men: The Last Stand, a.k.a. the third film that everybody hated? This film is set in the 80s, right? And The Last Stand was... 2006? How old are you supposed to be in this film? Like twenties? So if you are indeed Warren Worthington III, then you'd be in your forties in The Last Stand, right? And when Apocalypse gives you metal wings, doesn't that make you Archangel? So you go from Angel to Archangel then back again to Angel in 2006? I'm confused.

Nightcrawler
Kodi Smit-McPhee
So are Nightcrawler, Beast, and Mystique all related? Because, you know, blue?
Okay, are you another timeline anomaly? Weren't you already in X2? And what's up with the teleport restrictions? The comic book Nightcrawler is my favourite X-Man, and as far as I can remember, the only limitations he has with regard to his superpower is he cannot teleport to places he hasn't seen before. If he can see it in his mind, he can go there. So what's up with you not being able to teleport out of an electrified metal cage? That's such a lame attempt to get you to do a cage match with Angel. And I have a problem with your fingers. Each finger should look like a normal human finger, except there's just three on each hand. But your two fingers look fatter than your thumb, which obviously looks like your costume forced you to bunch two fingers together. Yeah, that may be a minor gripe, but I've been bothered by that since X2. I also don't like your hair, but I'll let that slide.

So that's that. More X-Men movies? Yes, please. But better scripts this time. Maybe you can try having the comic book writers do the screenplay? J.K. Rowling's doing it, so might as well give it a go.



X-Men: Apocalypse. USA. 2016.



Original rating: 7 / 10
No Sophie Turner nudity: -0.1
Nightcrawler's fat fingers: -0.1
Not enough blue Beast: -0.1
Quicksilver's mansion sequence: +0.1
James McAvoy's hair extensions: -0.1
No Jennifer Lawrence non-blue nudity: -0.1
Havok: +0.1
Me sleeping at some parts: - 0.05 per minute of sleep x ~4 mins = -0.2
Final rating: 6.5 / 10
HBO
"Threesome with Daenerys? Not gonna happen, bro."

Fans of the show since it first aired in 2010 will be treated to one of the most dramatic moments in the show’s entire run: the reunion of Sansa Stark and Lord Commander Jon Snow, two children of Winterfell separated since Season 1. The question to ask after this is: What happens when Arya Stark gets reunited with her siblings? Will she get to enjoy a group hug? Or will she remain adamant that “a girl has no name”?

HBO
A Lord Commander has no man-bun.

Since we’re on the subject of nostalgia, is there anyone feeling nostalgic for a teat-sucking adolescent (who’s now orphaned, of course)? Let’s hope not. So thank goodness we only have a very short reunion scene between Lord Arryn and the devious Lord Baelish. Oh, I hate you, Littlefinger. I liked you better when you were in The Wire.

Tyrion Lannister is one of my favourite characters in Game of Thrones, because he used to be on the side of good. Now, however, he is still my favourite character, but he is starting to become morally ambiguous. Like why would he grant a seven-year grace period for the abolition of slavery. But with Queen Daenerys out of action indefinitely, Tyrion’s actions should have mirrored what Daenerys would have done. And the Mother of Dragons wouldn’t have given any grace period whatsoever.

HBO
"WWDD: What would Daenerys do. Not What would a dwarf do."

I’m a little bit worried about the Lannister-Tyrell feud. There definitely is friction between the two houses. Margaery and Cersei both want the title of “queen”. Cersei and the Lady Olenna hate each other’s guts. The Hand of the King is a Lannister, but his sympathies lie with the Tyrells. It seems only the Tommen-Margaery connection shows any semblance of good in this troubled place known as King’s Landing.

Meanwhile, the bromance between Jorah Mormont and Daario Naharis seems to be heating up. Kidding. I don’t think any two straight males who want to bone the same woman real bad can truly be friends. Yes, despite the shared experience of combat and rescue missions to rescue their queen.

A queen who, as it turns out, is in no need of saving at all.

HBO
God save those breasts.

HBO
"You'll never be as funny as me, Hiddleston."

The Night Manager is a UK-US mini-series, a collaboration between American AMC and the British BBC, which is one of those powerful collaborations meant to remind people that HBO doesn't have the monopoly on good quality television.

Unlike a regular series, a mini-series has a fixed format and (usually) lasts just a single season. An example of a mini-series that lasted more than one season would be HBO's Rome, which ran for two 10-episode seasons, while the usual single-season mini-series would be HBO’s Band of Brothers. These examples are from a time when HBO still had the monopoly on good quality television.

The Night Manager stars Tom Hiddleston as Jonathan Pine or Andrew Birch, depending on which side of the espionage ring you’re looking at. He’s been recruited by British intelligence, the glamorously dull MI6, led by Agent Angela Burr (Olivia Colman), with help from US intelligence Joel Steadman (David Harewood), to bring down notorious arms dealer Richard Roper, played by the delightfully villainous Hugh Laurie. The action shuttles back and forth from Cairo to London to Zermatt (Switzerland) to Istanbul, among other places; a veritable globe-trotter adventure.

Telegraph
With a dog-loving, shorts-wearing globetrotter.

The series has everything a proper spy story should have: murder, betrayal, explosions, espionage, and sex (especially with the hot model Jed played by Elizabeth Debicki). Surprisingly, it works better than the more popular examples of proper spy dramas such as the Mission Impossible and James Bond franchises, and I believe it all boils down to the format. The MI and 007 movies, although part of a series of flicks, are released as individual stand-alone feature-length films, whereas The Night Manager, as a mini-series, utilises long-form storytelling, which works surprisingly well for espionage flicks.

Anyone who’s ever been a spy can attest to the difficulty of playing the long game. First you have to stake out the enemy, find a point of weakness. Then you exploit that weakness and find an opening to infiltrate. Once you’re in, you have to stay hidden, or under the radar, as the case may be. And if you haven’t infiltrated the top level, you work your way up, slowly, carefully.

It all can be summed up in one simple rule: Blow your cover and you’re dead. A two-hour feature length film about espionage, or even about heists (which also plays the long game), does not truly capture the full experience of infiltration and intelligence-gathering. At best, feature films show us highlights of the most exciting moments in the plot. But in espionage, the long game is the plot—the preparation, the waiting, the planning—and only long form storytelling can fully capture the experience of the long game.

And because you have more time, given the length of a mini-series (as compared to the shorter ~2-hour running time of feature films), you have more chances to develop the characters. Although a spy flick is primarily plot-driven, a stronger, more powerful spy narrative would have completely fleshed-out characters, both the spy and the villain. Betrayal is stronger over time: it takes time to win someone’s trust, and it takes time to fully trust another. In long form stories, the audience gets to go along with the ride, getting to decide when a cover is solid, and more or less predicting the repercussions of having that cover blown.

So with these points raised, should all spy flicks have longer running times? Well, not exactly. Some spy and espionage movies tend not to focus on the long game, but on the suspense and the thrill of the chase. After all, in this busy world we live in, who has time for a long form movie?

AMC
Ladies, Tom Hiddleston's butt. You're welcome.



The Night Manager. US/UK. 2016.



Original rating: 8.5 / 10
Tom Hollander's character's douchebaggery: - 0.1
No Elizabeth Debicki nudity: - 0.1
Final rating: 8.3 / 10
Those other two birds don't look angry to me.

Anyone who’s had a smart phone for the last five years will be familiar with the cute and adorable Angry Birds. This year, Rovio Animation (the makers of the original Angry Birds game) adapts these feathered freaks to the big screen, to join other 2016 film adaptations from video game source material such as Warcraft and Assassin’s Creed.

But is it worth watching in theatres, spending your hard-earned cash in the process? Maybe. Or maybe not. It all depends on you, actually. But if you’re undecided, here’s three points you might want to consider before making your decision.

3. It’s for kids
If you’re going to watch this, I would suggest you bring along children. One, two kids, or five, it’s all up to you. I saw this in the cinema by myself, with a little less than ten other adults in the theatre with me, and I can count all the LOL moments in one hand. I have a feeling though that I’d have laughed out loud more if I had a kid beside me. Most of the humour of this film is slapstick in nature, with a lot of physical comedy that children really dig. And as most of you probably know, a child’s laughter is very infectious.

2. It stays true to the essence of the games
If you’re even considering watching this flick, chances are you’ve played the smart phone game before. And you probably remember the games as having a very simple “slingshot a bunch of birds onto some pigs” gameplay. True, the film starts off with the birds in their home island, functioning as bird societies normally function, with kiddie birthday parties and court hearings and anger management classes. But the latter half of the film, that’s where the action is. That’s where we find all the slingshots and all the wall-breaking and structure-toppling that the games are famous for.

1. It’s entertaining at the very least
Yes, this film isn’t Academy Award-material for Best Animated Feature, but it’s not a total waste of money. The male voices are quite entertaining, with Jason Sudeikis as the lead character Red, Josh Gad as the speedster Chuck (who will always find an excuse to break into song), Danny McBride as the huge Bomb, the unrecognisable Keegan-Michael Key as Judge Peckinpah (good job, Mr. Key), and THE Peter Dinklage as the Mighty Eagle. Oh, I forgot to mention Sean Penn as the humongous Terence, although he does a Groot here by talking entirely in grunts (like Vin Diesel did in Guardians of the Galaxy).

Even in Pig Land, facial hair means king.


If you’re watching this alone, meaning without any children, I’d recommend watching it in 3D. That’s because all films composed entirely of CGI are actually proper 3D films. They aren’t converted 3D, but proper stereoscopic images. But if you’re bringing kids, you can just go see the regular release because first, it’s cheaper, and second, the children won’t notice anyway.



The Angry Birds Movie. USA. 2016.



Original rating: 6 / 10
Bill Hader as Leonard: + 0.1
Maya Rudolph as Matilda: - 0.1
Matilda's ass-bursting projectiles: + 0.1
Eighties music galore: + 0.1
Final rating: 6.2 / 10
HBO
"Bring it."

Yes, Jon Snow lives. We’ve known that since last week. And he’s not a mindless zombie like Catelyn Stark was in the books—this one’s a living, breathing, proper Jon Snow.

The Tarlys were shown, but very briefly, on a long sea voyage to Oldtown and Horn Hill, which we are excited to see in the coming episodes.

Let’s move on to the highlight of this episode: The best sword fight I have ever seen onscreen. The fight is between Ser Arthur Dayne, a.k.a. The Sword of the Morning, and at least four of Ned Stark’s men. And Dayne would’ve won, were it not for the treacherous stab in the back from Howland Reed, father of the Reed siblings who helped Bran Stark escape from Winterfell. But apart from the awesome two-handed swordsmanship of Arthur Dayne, what’s really interesting is we almost get to see who Lyanna Stark’s baby really is.

HBO
Two-handed sword fighting for the win.

Meanwhile, Daenerys Targaryen returns to Vaes Dothrak, the spectacular Dothraki capital city. I’m still a bit skeptical though, as to the necessity of having a capital city for a foraging nomadic tribe. And granted if they do need a capital city, shouldn’t it be composed of more temporary structures, like maybe bigger and more sprawling tents? I don’t think the nomadic Mongols had a city of their own, though I might of course be mistaken. However, the Mother of Dragons should’ve had a snappy comeback to the high priestess of the dosh khaleen:

HP: You were the wife of the Great Khal. You thought he would conquer the world with you at his side.
DT: No, bitch. I would have conquered the world with him at my side.

The Varys-Tyrion tandem is quite fun to watch, but I would’ve liked to see them moving up and about, rather than just staying put in Meereen. Their witty banter is too good to be confined inside stone walls. All they did here was talk. Well, a wise man once said that the true history of the world is a history of great conversations in elegant rooms. That wise man was Tyrion Lannister. Just now.

HBO
"Whut?"

Speaking of Lannisters, on the other side of the sea in King’s Landing, the twins Cersei and Jaime are still plotting their way back to the top. But they soon find out that the small council is beginning to stand up to the lions, which is probably a good thing, seeing that the presence of Ser Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane hasn’t struck fear in their hearts. The young king Tommen Lannister is likewise starting to develop his own muscle, and by “muscle” I mean his brain. With the High Sparrow’s words of wisdom, he starts to think for himself, after having lived all this time as his mother’s puppet.

Arya Stark has her eyesight back. Hooray. No more creepy milky-white eyeballs and beggar beatings. But I want to see some face-changing. Jaqen H’ghar hasn’t given her any face-changing powers yet. Hopefully next episode.

And while we’re on the subject of the Starks, there’s some development in Winterfell, and it isn’t good. The northern alliances are being strengthened, and Roose “The Douchebag” Bolton is getting closer to solidifying his claim over the north with the capture of Osha and Rickon Stark. With the beheading of Rickon’s direwolf Shaggydog, I guess everyone can’t wait for winter to come.

And for the finale, Jon Snow ends his watch in Castle Black with his own mic drop—or in this case, a body drop. With the hanging of Ser Alliser Thorne et al., a.k.a. “the betrayers of Lord Commander Snow”, Jon Snow channels his inner Eddard and his unflinching delivery of justice to all those who plunged their knives inside him. The question on everyone’s mind is: Where the hell is he going to go after this?

HBO
"Lord Snow out."
Let's hope we don't evolve into a society where "Ex-Wife's Day" becomes a thing.

What is a "Hallmark Holiday" movie? It's a film that tackles such commercial holidays as Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve, with disappointing critical success, and directed by Garry Marshall.

The first two, creatively titled Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve, came out in 2010 and 2011, respectively. Both were critical flops, with VD (not venereal disease, okay) scoring 5.7/10 on IMDb and 18% on Rotten Tomatoes, while NYE scored 5.6/10 and a single-digit Tomatometer rating of—drumroll—7%. And yet director Garry Marshall seems to firmly believe he's sitting on a gold mine with this new genre he's discovered that he refuses to call it quits after that last movie.

Here are three changes he's made with Mother's Day which, sadly, scored low with the critics.

1. He ditched the old writer.
The previous films were written by Katherine Fugate, and presumably because of those two films's diminishing returns, Marshall decided to ditch her and go for a writing ensemble this time. Mother's Day has four writers, namely: Tom Hines, Lily Hollander, Anya Kochoff, and Matthew Walker. And speaking of ensemble...

2. He ditched the ensemble cast.
Allow me to refresh your memory:

Yes, that's NINETEEN actors.

And this one, too:

This one has eighteen. One less.

Compare that with the Mother's Day movie poster:

Not in photo: Hector Elizondo. Again.

No, this film doesn't have only four actors. It's about mother's day, so those three women must have children, right? Well, Kate Hudson has a bi-racial child, and a slightly racist mother. And a lesbian sister. Julia Roberts has an estranged daughter here, and a grandchild. Jennifer Aniston's character here is called "Sandy with two sons". And Jason Sudeikis? He's a soccer mom.

And finally...

1. He waited 5 years to release this.
I imagined what must've gone through Garry Marshall's head regarding this film's release. Probably something like this: "New Year's Eve, seven percent on Rotten Tomatoes? Seven freakin' percent? Why? Who doesn't like New Year's Eve? Is it because the Chinese have a different new year? Or is it because I released New Year's Eve too soon after Valentine's Day? Yeah, that's probably it. But I've got a lot of other ideas lined up! I've got Thanksgiving, Good Friday... So how long should I wait before releasing my next film Mother's Day? Two years? Three? Four?"

So what's next for Mr. Marshall? Possibly Father's Day.

"Actualy, let's hope not."



Mother's Day. USA. 2015.



Original rating: 6 / 10
Huge improvement over VD and NYE: + 0.1
LGBT-friendly plot: + 0.1
Slightly racist jokes: - 0.1
Shay Mitchell being half-Filipina: + 0.2
Not enough John Lovitz: - 0.1
Final rating: 6.2 / 10
HBO
"Listen, winter is coming. Go get your ice skates."

Bran Stark’s reappearance after an entire season of absence might draw some people’s attention to the fact that he has grown quite a bit. And the filmmakers decided to draw our attention away from that by showing us a younger, talking Hodor.
Another big-budget bonanza.

Captain America: Civil War feels like an Avengers movie marketed as a Captain America flick, probably because it’s too soon to have another one after Avengers: Age of Ultron.

Although there are twelve superheroes in this flick which, even discounting Bucky the Winter Soldier (Sebastian Stan), is more than the number of heroes in Age of Ultron, somehow it doesn’t feel too crowded. I’d say the reason for this is because this film focuses on the relationship between the two poster boys Captain America (Chris Evans) and Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.). This gives the filmmakers enough room to flesh out the relationship between them, relegating the rest to supporting roles, which helped focus the storytelling.

Anyway, I’d hold back on the Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice comparisons, first because that film wasn’t a proper ensemble movie, and second because Civil War pulled off the “friendship over” theme better by setting up the conflict more effectively.

Team Cap posing for a photo.

Now whether you liked the film because of its adrenaline-pumping action sequences, or because of its mature themes of friendship and betrayal, here are five more reasons to go see it.

5. The Black Panther
Although not that well-known compared to the other heroes in this flick, T’Challa a.k.a. Black Panther (Chadwick Boseman) gets enough screen time and action sequences to summon a following strong enough to translate into box office ticket sales. That is when he gets his own stand-alone movie in a couple of years.

4. A huge Ant-Man
If you’ve never heard of Ant-Man before Paul Rudd, that’s okay, despite him being one of the founding members of the Avengers in the comic books. So I guess it also follows that you know nothing about how Ant-Man’s powers work, which would make giant Ant-Man a welcome treat.

3. A young Robert Downey, Jr.
I don’t know why I’m the only one raving about this reverse-aging technology, but I’ve been excited about it since The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. What are some of the repercussions of being able to physically make an actor look younger? Well, a Han Solo spin-off movie, for starters. With Harrison Ford still playing himself. I know, right?

2. A young Peter Parker
Now this… this is Spider-Man. I’ve been a fan of the web-slinger from the comics, and I can tell you that this iteration of Peter Parker is the one that comes closest to the comic books. It’s actually because the original Peter Parker was a teenager when he donned the Spidey outfit, which is why Tom Holland is now my favourite onscreen Spider-Man.

1. A hot Aunt May
Two words: Marisa Tomei. ‘Nuff said.

Wipe that drool off your chin, boy.




Captain America: Civil War. USA. 2016.



Original rating: 8.5 / 10
Unrecognisable Daniel Brühl: + 0.1
No Scarlett Johansson nudity: - 0.05
No Elizabeth Olsen nudity: - 0.05
Too much Jeremy Renner: - 0.05
Stressed out Don Cheadle: - 0.05
Not enough Falcon: - 0.05
Final rating: 8.35 / 10
HBO
He still knows nothing.

Those wondering whether or not Jon Snow lives have their answer in this episode's opening scene. It appears that Kit Harrington was part of Season 6's filming because he plays a cadaver. But we're all secretly wishing there's more to it than just that.

So for those who actually feel sorry for Theon Greyjoy and his mutilation at the hands of the Boltons, rejoice. Brienne and Podrick Payne have come to the rescue. Pod, as always, is the best squire ever.

Meanwhile, in King's Landing, the Kingslayer has landed — without his daughter from Dorne. There seems to be a lot of deaths in Dorne in this episode. Those Dornish women can never be trusted.

HBO
Insert backstabbing jokes here.

There also isn't enough Tyrion Lannister wit here to satisfy the Peter Dinklage fans. And there aren't enough dragons for the Daenerys fans. When will we get to see more dragons? And when will we get to see Arya Stark kick ass? She's not going to be blind forever, right? She still has some face-changing, right?

And finally, to every guy who jacked off to that fake redhead Melisandre, Messrs. Benioff and Weiss leave you with a sight you'd find really hard to unsee. You're welcome.

HBO
Cannot... unsee...
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