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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. IMAX 3D

YouTube

*PISS OFF IF YOU HATE SPOILERS*

The greatest part of this movie is not actually part of the movie. It is the trailer that precedes it.

Also Gemma Arterton's cleavage, of
which we  have no photo of.

I’ve already known that somehow converted 3D can achieve a more intense stereo effect compared to footage shot in 3D. And Star Trek: Into the Darkness is, so far as I have seen, the most hyper-stereo 3D I have ever seen. Ever. The entire 9-minute trailer is a cinematic reintroduction to depth perception. And although this film was NOT shot in 3D, its stereography can give Avatar a run for its money.

"Wait a minute... I thought this was a review of our film?"

Yes, this is supposed to be a review of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. No similarity of course to Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, except for the colon and the word “hunter”. This movie takes the classic children’s fairy tale, ages the heroes a bit so Gretel becomes hotter (yeah Gemma Arterton!), throw in some Game of Thrones-looking firearms, put in a whole coven of hideous witches, and you have yourself a blockbuster. Or at least an attempt at one. Oh, and since Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner play siblings, you can’t have any incest there. So they also throw Famke Janssen and that carrot-top witch who strips naked.

"Take out all your incestuousness on me, Hansel." 

This film also made me start to realize that “shot in 3D” doesn’t equal “good 3D”. Whereas the Star Trek trailer totally submerged the viewer into its depths, this movie’s best use of 3D included woodchips, splinters, rocks, and the occassional globs of blood flying at your face. Lame-o.

"They paid money for 3D, therefore they're going to
have stuff thrown in their faces!"



Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. USA. 2013.



Original rating: 6.0 / 10
Edward looking like the Heartless Giant: + 0.1
Peter Stormare: + 0.25
Famke Janssen's hotness: + 0.15
Gemma Arterton's cleavage: + 0.2
Jeremy Renner's distractingly huge thumbnail: - 0.2
Final rating: 6.5 / 10





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