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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Beasts of the Southern Wild Review, or An Open Letter to the Academy

Fox Searchlight

Dear Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences,

What the hell is this travesty? Beasts of the Southern Wild, four Oscar nominations? Seriously? Let’s go through those nominations one by one.

Fox Searchlight
You do that, while we watch these babies race.

DIRECTING (Benh Zeitlin)
What’s so remarkable about Mr. Zeitlin’s directing? The fact that the film looks so realistically gritty, not superhero-gritty but real life-gritty? Psshh... that’s easy. Just take a small crew, head over to the deep south of the USA, then leave the camera on while the people get on with their regular lives. Easy! You know what’s a good example of great directing? Three directors visualizing one film. Yeah, I’m talking about Cloud Atlas, but so what?

Fox Searchlight
I'd watch this more if this were a documentary on aurochs.

WRITING, ADAPTED SCREENPLAY (Lucy Alibar and Benh Zeitlin)
I never read the book, but you know what’s a great example of a great screenplay adapted from a great book? Cloud Atlas, that’s what. I never read that book too, but still.

Fox Searchlight
The Philippines has got better flood stories than this.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE (Quvenzhané Wallis)
I bet most of you can’t even pronounce her name. Right? Damn right. Youngest Oscar nominee my ass. What the hell was she nominated for? Flexing her muscles and acting her age?

Fox Searchlight
"Grrr!"

BEST PICTURE
Nothing in this film has “Best Picture” written on it. Yeah, in other film festivals like Cannes or Sundance, maybe. But not the Oscars. This is like the World Cup of film awards. The best of the best. So what if Oprah loved this film? It still wasn’t that good.

Fox Searchlight
Seriously. This film needs more aurochs.


Sincerely (losing faith in you guys),

Sting Lacson









Beasts of the Southern Wild. USA. 2012



Original rating: 6.5 / 10
Not showing enough aurochs: - 0.1
Final rating: 6.4 / 10





Follow Sting Lacson on Twitter. But follow Da Couch Tomato first.

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