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Chronicle Review, or Brainstorming for the Next Big Superhero Movie

TO: The Cast and Crew
FROM: The Producers
SUBJ: Chronicle

Dear People,

Good news! We got the green light to go ahead and do our superhero movie. Yay!

Just a heads up. This will be a different superhero movie. Not like Avengers. We won't have Christian Bale. In fact, we won't have any famous Hollywood names. That's because we're putting most of our budget into special effects. So we'll just get some famous Hollywood look-alikes. One of them looks like Chris Evans (in your face, Captain America!). Another looks like Nick Cannon, but uglier. But he's not really ugly-ugly. Just uglier. And the villain looks like a disturbed Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Good job, casting department!

Again, congratulations, and see you all on the first day of filming!

L-R: Fake Joseph Gordon-Levitt, fake Nick Cannon, and fake Chris Evans.

TO: The Producers
CC: The Cast and Crew
FROM: Joey, Special Effects
SUBJECT: Re: Chronicle

We have some concerns about the flying thing. What we really want is to make the first really realistic human flight on film. But we still have the problem with feet. Our actors keep their feet at odd angles. We can't really achieve the Peter Pan-type of flight unless we computer-animate it. The only realistic human flight on film is Neo in The Matrix, and he was CGI.

Doesn't really look like he's flying.

TO: Joey, Special Effects
CC: The Cast and Crew
FROM: The Producers
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Chronicle

Are you saying, Joey, that it cannot be done? Well, what if you put the budget into special effects where it actually belongs instead of using it to score coke for the entire specail effects department? Oh yes, we know about your cocaine use. And also that bleeding nose thing when the heroes use their powers too much? We know that was your suggestion. So here's the thing, Joey. Give us realistic, non-computer-generated human flight, or you're fired.

Also, we've received some complaints from African-American radicals, asking why the black guy has to die first. It's not because he's black. It's because he's not family. Fake Gordon-Levitt and Fake Evans are cousins in the story. And it had to boil down to a sort of family battle. So we ditched the black guy. Deal with it.

P.S.: Please stop hounding the black guy for autographs. He is not the Michael Jordan of the Chicago Bulls. He just has the same name, except with the middle initial B. So his name is Michael B. Jordan. And no, he doesn't find it funny.

"My name is Michael Jordan, and I look like Nick Cannon!"

TO: The Producers
CC: The Cast and Crew
FROM: Christine, Continuity
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Chronicle

We understand that this is supposed to be like some "found footage" film, like The Blair Witch Project. But exactly how are you going to sustain a film with only one camera, and with one character always behind the camera?

Like in this shot... if the guy on the right is holding the camera,
then who's filming them?

TO: Christine, Continuity
CC: The Cast and Crew
FROM: The Producers
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Chronicle

Why are you here, Christine? If you're creative enough, you can answer the question yourself. There are several techniques to get around the camera handicap.
  1. Since these guys have telekinesis, we'll let them move the camera around with their powers.
  2. We'll add another character with a camera. And that's the girl. 
  3. We'll also add other cameras such as CCTV footage.

"Any problems and I'll crush you like this."

TO: The Producers
CC: The Cast and Crew
FROM: Marlo, Editing
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Chronicle

We have a concern with the trailer. You asked us to include that shot of the girl covering her breasts in the trailer. But you also asked us not to include that sex scene in the final cut. Isn't it a bit unethical to promise the audience sex in the trailer, and then not deliver any in the film itself?

Spoiler alert: Not in the film.

TO: Marlo, Editing
CC: The Cast and Crew
FROM: The Producers
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Chronicle

How are we going to sell the film? We have no famous faces. So sex is the only way we can sell this. Also, Marlo, seriously? You're fired.

Chronicle. USA. 2012.

Rating: Seven out of ten.

*some info from IMDb


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